Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

My first day at Selvidge was a tough one.  As I reflect on this time a lot of emotions come up.  It was a traumatic (little "t") event in my life no doubt.  On the first day my mom dropped off my sister and me at our the school in the drop off lane.  I walked into the school with Dana and we went into the gym together.  Once we got into the gym I don't remember separating from Dana but I do remember that I has to go to the bleachers by myself.  I remember walking up the bleachers and sitting down alone and then I specifically remember holding back tears.  I'm not sure exactly where the tears came from.  No one was mean to me.  No one acknowledged me either.  And that is where some of the tears came from.  I was a nobody.  Other students had friends from their elementary school but I didn't.  I knew my sister and that was all.   (I wonder what it must have been like for Eric to go to elementary school all by himse...

  Susie, I know I don't see you well.  And I know I'm seeing you less clearly as I feel we are drifting further and further apart.  This feels like a feeble attempt to reach out to you but I don't know what else to do to try to reach you while not pushing you further away.     I see you lying next to me.  Tears are welling up.  A sense of resolve to be strong in a hurtful moment is felt.  My rejection of you is disappointing, but my rejection won't define who you are.  You understand that marriage can be challenging and, though you're feeling hurt at that moment, you know that you're strong enough to handle the moment and not let the disappointment overwhelm you.  You find comfort in knowing that you are strong and rest in this space of strength.  You fall asleep knowing that marriage is challenging and this one moment doesn't define your marriage or define you.  Do I see you at all? I sit on a bench outside of the operati...

 So, winter break is nearly here.  Just two more days of school.   Anna and I went to Panera Bread Co. for lunch today.  A bit on the pricey side, but the talk was good.  She really knows how to spend the money though.  Her meal and drink was like $17.  Anyways.   I said that we need to find a solution to the dirty bathroom.  I said it stresses out Simon when the bathroom is messy in the morning.  We decided that Simon needs to tell Anna what is dirty and she will work on it.  With break coming my hope is that it isn't quite so bad.  I told her that I have a hard time keeping things straight.  It's like a low priority or something.  But it's also a sign of stress, emotional issues going on.  I also said it has to do with personality.  Cleaning up things is just less of a priority.  We also decided to spend some time helping each other clean up our spaces.  The other set of eyes should hel...

 Susie, I wonder if I see you.   I see you walking the sidewalk at SBU looking for that red bike.  You're excited to walk across campus in conversation with me.  To tell me about the latest things happening with your roommates, or the soccer team, or about your family.  I see you in that heavy, well fitting yellow coat.  Curly hair draped all across the back.  Brown dress shoes.  Wearing fruit smelling lotion that has a strong and nice fragrance.  ... Do I see you well?   I see you lying next to me in bed.  Newlyweds.  Just a few months married.  My back is turned to you.  You are crying over my rejection to your attempt to show me your affection.  You lie confused and with regrets over this situation you are now in.  You long to be held but your husband doesn't respond to your sadness.  You lie awake.  Wanting to be held and loved well.  Wanting to know that things will be fine but ...

Wasn't looking forward to the meeting with Rick that much, but it turned out to be quite good.   He began telling me about taking his kids out on Tuesday afternoons.  He was also telling me about his two sons, one who is a personal trainer and the other who is a dietitian and runs a business.    We parked at the usual spot and Rick prayed for us and then asked how the week has been.  I told him it's hard to continue to pursue emotional health because it's emotionally draining.   I told him how I hiked this Sunday and walked at my own pace.  It reminded me of when I first got to Albuquerque before we were married.  Susie and I went on a bike ride and I couldn't keep up with her.  It was windy and cold and she just kept going and going further ahead of me and my ears were killing me.  I felt like going back to the house and driving right back to St. Louis.  That I had made a huge mistake leaving.  Rich asked if maybe sh...

 I don't enjoy this journaling exercise any more.  It seems to just bring up more ways I feel shame and have so many damn shortcomings.  It's not making my life any better.  I just keep living the same damn depressing life I have always lived.  But some part of me is convinced that it's what I'm supposed to do so here I go again. Tomorrow I'm going hiking and I'm looking forward to it.  I'm going to go on the La Luz.  I'm planning on taking my time and making it a good way up the mountain, if not all the way.  My back if feeling tight so I have doubts whether or not I'll make it as far as I would like to.  But I'm feeling more familiar with the trail so i'm looking forward to testing my knowledge of it.  I'm going to put my phone on battery save mode and see if it will last longer this time.   Today I want to reflect on an experience that I have thought about quite a few times.  I was living in New Haven, so around 8 or 9 ...

 Rich suggested that we read through Gentle and Lowly.  I'm not too excited about it but I would be willing to try it.  I told him that I won't be doing the Emotionally Healthy Discipleship group this spring but want to do it in the future.   We talked about his good day of health yesterday and his changing the oil on his truck and the Toyota dealer.   We talked about about my basketball season and what it was like when I played basketball.  And when I was captain and how that was a challenge for me as someone who is not a vocal leader.   We talked about my stepping down from leading the prayer of confession at church and that my emotional ups and downs are too inconsistent to be able to lead that in a way that represents myself and the church well.   We talked about the ski trip to Durango.  And we talked about Susie.  We talked about how since she's committed to this relationship we're in a kind of a prison that is ...