Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Next Sunday will be October 30 & 31, Halloween.  The Wednesday after that will be our 20th wedding anniversary.  We are yet to talk about any plans for our anniversary.  I am going to give her the bracelet I got from Salt Lake City, but I haven't been looking for anything else.  Maybe I'll buy her some 25 pound weights.   The closer it gets, the more I am thinking that she and I will not be at a point where we will have much enthusiasm to celebrate our relationship.  It makes me sad.  Pretty much to the point of despair.  She doesn't have feelings for me so we have been unable to connect... though come to think of it, I don't know if I have ever really know what it meant to connect with her.   I also wonder if I have ever really seen her.  I have so often looked at her and felt that I want her or know that I want something from her or want her to be a certain way or not be a certain way.  I want to see her for al...

 Notes from my meeting with scott. I shared about how susie and I are doing.  About the baseball game and how us not going together turned into such a misunderstanding.  (When I questioned why she didn't want to go to the game together but each of up going for half of the game) I shared about how i acknowledged some self-contempt of my 10 to 12 year-old self.   He stated that it seems like hopelessness if real close  My ability to keep hope is related to my capacity to hold unmet desire Who else sees my unmet desire, (when I was young no one saw it) Desire can (and needs to) gain resiliency Can I restore quickly without losing myself???... or Can I hold that desire without losing myself, for example, without giving in becasue I want reconciliation or acknowledgement or approval When I feel myself getting disregulated I can say, "I'm getting disregulated, it feels like... for example that you (Susie) want some space from me.  This may not be what your m...

  Scott and I met today at 7 am.  It was a tough time to meet because Esther was sick with COVID and Susie was going to work.  It worked out find though.   He asked if anything was going on to talk about.  I told him that I had some low points with Susie and he asked me how I responded at those times.  I told him that one time I watch a movie then played with Simon and that made me feel better.  I also told him I met with Matt and Brian which helped a whole lot.  I told him about how Susie and I put together the treadmill and how that went well and I was feeling better about our relationship.  I said that her comment about us one day turning our bedroom into a workout room made me feel better.  He seemed to be somewhat surprised that such a small comment would make me feel better.   Then I read my story and it was a pretty unemotonal read.  As we talked about it he had a good insight.  He said that the feelings I...