Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

Learn how to be independent from her, not dependent on her.  When I see a ray of light I lock in on it, but can become a man of sorrow when hope is dashed.  It's hard to hold desire without a demand (or becoming numb to my feelings) Lament is present in my story over the past 10 years.   Lament is anger.   Healthy lament is healthy anger.   Bible stories that address lament at God.   Psalm 44 The disciples lament toward Jesus during the storm and Jesus is sleeping.  Job Sodom and Gamora - Abraham laments the destruction and God changes his mind and allows the people to escape.   These stories lament the seemingly unfairness of God.   Acknowledge the unfairness. Truity has given me insight about being in relationship with a 2 enneagram.   Read about the ways 2s and 5s relate.  They are double opposites.  They repel each other.   The challenge of 2s is Pride.   My repentence ...

 This week had its fair share of ups and downs.  For me it all revolves around the way Susie is attuned to me.  It is too bad that I can't be more independent and not let that have such an affect on me, but it does.   It makes me feel like a real loser when she treats me like I should not be affected by the way she treats me.  In my mind, it definitely should affect the way I feel because this relationship is really important to me.  When she doesn't treat my feelings about our relationship as important it makes me think that she thinks our relationship is not important.  And that hurts.  I want her to put value and importance in our relationship.  And that means putting some thought into how she can work toward restoring our relationship.  I can't see how she is putting any effort into doing that though.  And it hurst so bad that she does do that.   After cutting down the Christmas tree, setting up Christimas decorat...

 We all drove to the Jemez today.  Simon had an emotional breakdown over he and Elijah sharing the bedroom and was crying when we left.  We stopped at Circle K and got drinks which made the drive a lot more fun.  Everyone else was in a good mood and I even think Susie and I were enjoying being together, or at least I didn't feel like I was annoying her.  We drove through the Gilman tunnels and continued on a bumpy rock road for a mile or two.  There was a serious lack of trees but we eventually found one after looking around and a stop or two along the way.   I was pleasantly surprised by the positive demeanor Susie was showing toward me.  Especially after I told her the previous night about how it was hurtful that we couldn't have a simple converstaion over the carpool plans she had made for the kids on Tuesday morning.  I guess we were both able to get over it so that was a good sign.  However there were a few instances that I onc...

Susie and I texted about plans for tomorrow.  I wasn't clear about a couple of things from her texts so I asked her about it.  She got frustrated and short with me when she was explaining the details.  She also said that it is frustrating to her that she has to plan everything for the kids.   I hate to say it but if I wasn't for the kids I think I would be outta here.  I mean, just to have my own space and not deal with the feelings of annoyance I sense from Susie would be worth a different situation.  But, that isn't my reality at this time.  We have kids and we have to stay together for them.  It is a sacrifice because there is no joy or happiness in our relationship at this time.  I keep trying to sense my feelings of affection for Susie but they really aren't there.  There is sexual attraction.  There is much respect and admiration.  There is appreciation.  But I don't feel a sense of attraction to her personality...

 November 22 - I want to try something new this year for our names sakes for Christmas.  Something meaningful but carrying on the same tradition.  Maybe it's not the year to do this.  Susie and I have issues to deal with.  Lots of issues to deal with.   I think I want the kids to write something for themselves but still thinking through the details.  But having them write a story might be a neat way to do it.  Maybe they can write a Christmas story of some way the grew closer to God and how that relates to their name sake.  That's a bit complicated but with some modeling I think they could do it.  

 It should be a joyous time of the year as it usually is for me.  But this year it is not.  Susie and my relationship feels like it's in dire straights.  I miss the things that we enjoy doing together.  Talking about gifts to get the kids for Christmas.  Planning for our outing to set up the tree, and our new tradition of cuttings down a tree at the Jemez.  Wrapping presents for the kids and enjoying an intimate night together on Christmas eve.  Some of the activities may happen but the experience of enjoying doing these things together is not there.  It makes me sad.  It makes me grieve.  I don't have a good idea of what is bothering Susie so much, except that when she is around me her mood goes from normal so somber.   I think I can say to her, "When we're together I get the sense that my presence is causing you to be annoyed or frustrated or at least emotionally draining.  If that's try I want to know even though i...

 Two things came up over the weekend that may be good to discuss when we meet with Scott.   We probably won't meet for several more weeks because Susie wants to meet with Scott a few more times before we meet as a couple.  That's actually fine by me.  I have plenty of room to continue to grow and areas to practice new ways of thinking and communicating.   Eric told me last week he would like to visit.  I asked susie if he could stay with us and she said no.  I asked Susie if he could stay at the Kelley's while they're out of town and she said no.  I asked if he could stay with Jeff Trujillo and she said that she had already given her answer but it seems like we are going to do what we are going to do.  Eric said he will not be coming.  The night before he made his decision I told Susie that I was going to first pray about it, but that I will probably going to tell Eric to not come.  BECAUSE, I have often put my family over...

 Two events stood out today that were emotionally moving to me.  Well, maybe three.  Three and a half.   1. I encountered Ivan Winchell making fun of a kid.  I asked him what he said and he said he was just saying hi to the kid.  I asked the kid what Ivan said said and the kid said that Ivan told him that he pooped his pants.  What a horrible thing to say.  Ivan denied it but I have not doubts that is what he said.  I gave Ivan a firm lecture about bullying.  I was getting emotionally disregulated when I was talking to him.  There is definitely some trauma I am still dealing with about bullying from when I was younger.   2. The other incident was talking with Susie on the phone.  I called to ask if I was in the right place to pick up Anna at the theatre.  She became so frusrated and unkind to me on the phone as she was trying to explain to me about where I needed to be.  I was in the right place afteral...

 1.  2. 3. Silence 4. Time witih Jesus I have been attending church leadership meetings.  I'm not sure exactly why I am part of the group.  I know why Susie would be part of the group.  They have been life giving.  We are going through the book and workbook from Emotionally Healthy Discipleship.  It's great.  The author talks about 4 aspects of a emotionally healthy spirituality.   I guess the reason why i'm writing about this is because I have been spending time in silence and I have been (a little bit) talking with Jesus throughout the day.  More like acknowledging Jesus and his teaching throughout the day.  But it is a very different mindset toward God than what I have had for some time on a consistent basis.  

 Our 20th anniversary has been disappointing to say the least.  We are as disconnected as we have ever been in our marriage.  We ate dinner at Tucano's with the Kelleys and walked around downtown before we ate.  It was fun but Susie and I did not acknowledge each other pretty much for the entire evening.  When Matt and Kristen asked us on the drive home how they can help Susie said that they can help by doing what we were doing that night.  I don't know if that meant going out together or if it meant checking in with us.   On Saturday morning overheard Susie say something that didn't sound right so I asked Anna what she said.  Susie overheard and shouted that I shouldn't jump to conclusions about things she said.  I said back that I wasn't jumping to conclusions but was just clarifying what I heard was said.  I then said I can't understand you guys when you talk so fast, or maybe just I was thinking that.  Anyway, it was the lo...

 Met with Scott this morning.  It may be the final time I meet with him for a while.  He checked in with me and I shared that our 20th anniversary was on my mind.  He asked what is my desire or expectations for the anniversary.  I shared that I want to be able to talk with Susie.  That she is being cold toward me and there is a distain that I sense from her toward me.  I also shared that I hope we would have a physical relationship.  That I have not been sexual for a couple of months and I would like for that to be part of our relationship once again.   Here are my notes from the conversation: Does he recommend we meet as a couple?  Yes.  He wants to meet with Susie another time then after that would be a good time to meet.   Anniversary is tomorrow.  He said we need each each other.  Even adults need attachments.   You do need to have someone to be close to. THREE THINGS WE ALL NEED: Availablility...