Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Mother said keep your pants zipped up, and that's what I did.   I never made the first move.  Well, maybe when I kissed Heather Tidwell after getting harassed all week by her friends to kiss her.  And with Amy Colie, after I was harrassed for months by her friends to kiss her.  Boy, she waited and waited.  I just couldn't make the move and risk looking foolish or being rejected I guess... I don't know why I waited so long.   Maybe it was because mom said keep your pants zipped up.  That was the message.  Stuff those feelings.  You may have desires from looking at pornography since you were a young boy, but don't risk having sex and getting a girl pregnant.  So, I was a good boy and listened to mother.   Even with Noel, she must have made the first move because I don't remember stressing about it.  I remember when she first grabbed my penis.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  To be frank, I didn't e...

 I loved playing 

 Tonight the phrase running through my head is I can't keep going on like this.  Something has to change.   Oh, things are changing alright.  But it feels like I'm driving down interstate 40 in the winter of 2000, in an ice storm.  That's what it feels like.  She was able to meet my every need.  And it still wasn't enough.  I had to leave because I realized it wasn't enough.   It's like I'm in a nightmare.  Whenever I think about my marriage I am jolted by the pain and shock of the dream.  Except when I come to my senses, the nightmare isn't over, the truth of the situation hits me even harder and my feeling of despair sinks even deeper.   I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep here for too much longer.  The anxiety of being around her is to much.  I'm seeking God but God just isn't enough to calm this pain.   I'm trying to change but that process feels too slow and I don't feel like I ca...

1973 - Dana born 1976 - Kyle born 1977 - approximately dad fired from piston ring foundry 1978 - Eric  born 1981 - start school 1983 - Dana has surgery on her feet 1983, fall (approximately) - Chris coerces Dana to take down her pants in front of a small group of kids during a friend gathering at their house on the farm 1983 - second grader, Mr. Murry threatens me and a group of boys in the bathroom for peeing on the floor 1983 - second grader, Mr. Murry accuses me of drawing on the wall with a crayon 1983 - Eric is sexually abused by Chris over the summer 1983 - Watched Lady Chatterly's Lovers at the neighbors house 1984, summer - sexual encounter with Steven Laune in neighbor's swimming pool 1984, summer - stealing soda from Pepsi plant incident 1984 - third grader with Ms. Herzog at the new New Haven Elementary School 1985 - exposed to pornography magazines at the neighbors house 1985 - Bobby Laune shames me about leaving out our toys 1985 - Destroyed Bobby's baseball gl...

 The emotions from just seeing those words stir up in me a sense of loss and absolute peace and joy that I didn't expect.  Camp Mo-Val.  It literally is a place of magic for me.  How the magic happened is a wonderful mystery.  I think about the most magical place, which is around the campfire.  Singing Father I adore you in a round.  Singing Lead Me Jesus in a round.  That was pure magic.  Singing at night time around the lake at night one summer holding candles as we went.  That was absolute magic.   The memories are so many and yet they are bottled up in one big place in my heart that has only happiness and peaceful feelings.  It was both the individual people and the collection of people.  It was Pat Volertson who was able to welcome every single person and make them feel like you were part of the most awesome and loving movement on the planet.  It was the anticipation of that first walk to the swimming pool o...

 What an amazing meeitng today with Rick Smith.  He really has a gift.  Maybe it's the difference between meeting in person and meeting on Zoom like I do with Scott.  Or maybe it's his new perspective that I wasn't getting from Scott.   Some notes from the meeting: - I cannot lean on Susie for emotional support, any attempt I make to lean on her for emotional support is going to repulse her - When I asked her to meet with me for 30 minutes I was asking her let me lean on her, this must be why it she was so opposed to the idea and was so adimant? about not wanting to do it, she was repulsed by my request - She thinks of me like another responsibility because she thinks of me as another of her children, at least she can enjoy Elijah and not think of him so much as one of her kids - This healing process is going to have to be about me.  And about Jesus and me.  About understanding how I can lean on Jesus and how he desires me even though it feels lik...

 When I was little I would boing.  That's what we called in boinging.  I would sit on the couch and rock back and forth.  Some couches were better than others.  If they were too hard they were not good for boinging.  If they were too fluffy they were not good for boinging.  There had to be that just right balance of softness but structure.  I did it for as long as I can remember.  I think it gave me strong abs because the family was always talking about how it gave me stomach muscles.  I would mostly do it before going to bed.  It was like I couldn't get to sleep at night unless I got my boinging in.  I would boing for a while and then I would start to feel tired.  Eventually I would decide that I was tired enough and could lay down and sleep.   I still prefer a rocking chair much better than a non-rocker.  It's that rhythm of the movement, I guess.   I am curious how it started.  Somehow I ha...

 It started yesterday when I told Susie I would like to start spending 30 minutes with her each week.  Just replied that she wasn't ready for that, that she wasn't in a place that she wanted to do that.  I was bummed when I got her response, but it didn't hit me until later in the day that I was pretty sad about it.  Then in the morning it was really bothering me.  I was trying to do my Friday morning prayer time and I could not focus.  I couldn't get her response out of my head.  So, I told her that morning how I was feeling.  I said I was sad and angry because of her response.   Later in the morning I received a text from her that was a bunch of screen shots of a conversation she had with Vicky.  It expressed how she felt like she needed to escape.  That the thought of spending time with me made her feel like she couldn't handle the situation.   I get it.  I'm a goddam looser, but she's patially responsible for...

 Listening to the enneagram type of 9 youtube video and after meeting with Rick I'm realizing how far I have to go to get to some emotional health.   I sense a divide between Susie and me that is so huge.  It's in her body language and her eyes.  It's there sometime and sometimes she can look at me without contempt.   I'm realizing how far I am from building my hope on Jesus.  It's built on Susie loving me.  Which she doesn't right now.  It's built on buying small snacks and groceries from the little money I make from handyman work.  

 Rick encouraged me to read 5 minutes of Gentle and Lowly each day so that I can see more and more how God views me.  That he cares for me.  That I am special because I am special to Him.   I certainly don't feel that way tonight.  The kids were all busy or out.  Esther was asleep.  Susie came to me while I was putting up the backyard lights.  I guess I looked busy because she said, well, I guess I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired and there nothing else to do.   I froze.  That hit me wrong and I didn't react to it well.  I wasn't paying attention to my feeling, my body when I should have been.  My body was saying to me that I was the reason that she should stay up.  But, maybe that wasn't a reason to her.  I wish I would have said, stay up with me and let's hang out and talk.  But that would have crushed me to be denied by her.  I really don't even want to talk.  I just want to be with h...

To have desire but not get the desire met is poverty.   You can choose to either bless or curse the poverty.   All of us have the desire to know and to be known.   By speaking my feelings to Susie am making myself be known to her.   I relate to Susie differently than she relates to me.  For example, I may see anger as harm to the relationship and she may see anger as us getting closer in our relationship.   Anger comes from some injustice.   While anger is unwanted, it can lead to connection.   Anger can be righteous, I can learn to let anger propel me to my own heart.   To deal with my unbelief  Scott suggested to read N.T. Wright''s book "The Ressurection"  And Bible passages on how Jesus responds to the Sadusses.