Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 The meeting is supposed to take place next Thursday the 29th.   My big question is will we make progress or will it be a concrete first step toward separating.   A lot weighs in the balance.  It's like, 20 years in the making and it all comes down to this.  Will Nix make these clutch free throws, er, emotional statements.  I don't want to worry about choking in the clutch, but it's hard to not imagine what will happen if I choke and come up short.  ... And yes, it partly does feel like I'll be putting on a performance for Susie.   Notes to Adam: Hey Adam just two things I think I would like to communicate. 1. How will we be able to find common ground in our faith?  And not feel like we are at odds?  Can we get there? 2. This past two years has been painful, often to the point where I was hardly able to function, yet it has been a release to admit that something had not been right with our marriage 3.. I would like to read...

 I explained the situation.  I had a hard time expressing what I was feeling.  It was like getting my thoughts out in words was difficult.  Like trying to push stuck sausage through a too-small meat grinder.  So much effort to say such simple little things.  Like that little saying Scott was trying to teach me.  It was so simple for him, but for me it's like speaking a foreign language and putting words to my feelings is so difficult.  It's like there is a disconnect between my words and my thoughts.   She taught me a good strategy, which I hope to use when I meet with Susie, Adam, and Heather next Thursday.  I'll call it the "I statements": I notice,  I assume, I think, I resent,  I am hurt by, I worry about, I want, I appreciate, I realize, I hope. I notice, that you're not wearing your wedding ring I assume, that it has something to do with your feelings about our relationship I think, that you might be ready to quit o...

 I've been listening to a Great Courses on CBT.  I have listened to about 8 classes and have found the info very practical but I need to take the next step and put some of the strategies into practice.  My plan is to use these strategies as my material for journaling this summer.   [My main reason for doing this is to try to get more emotionally healthy and for Susie to gain love and respect for me again.  I want to be in a relationship, and it would be great if I could be in a relationship with her.  I want to have a steady companion and right now I don't have one.  However, there is no guarantee that she's ever going to want that so I think my focus should really be to just live my best life now instead of trying to force a relationship that I frankly don't want except to gain respect and companionship from her.  Not a bad goal, but I feel like I should need that from her to feel like a complete person.] So, here we go with class 2.  I...

 Sunday, June 11 Today is Simon's 13th birthday.   Got back from Missouri last night.  We were there from May 28 to June 10.   My dad needs mental health.  I need to talk to Dana about this.  And to see if the VA provides telehealth.   I spend a good week with Simon.  He originally didn't plan to go but I'm glad he did.  So glad.  It was some good time together.   Seeing MoVal friends was very encouraging.  Seeing Susie when I returned was very deflating.  He response to me being home was extremely indifferent.   Going to Jo Boaler training tomorrow, which should be excellent.   Thursday, June 23 Came home after the math training and wasn't acknowledged by Susie. It hurts to not matter.  Maybe I treat others like that.  Or treat her like that.  I don't know.   I'm staying busy and exercising, so it helps, but I feel incredibly empty. Tomorrow morning I'm goin...