Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Adam asked this at church today. The question was also asked as I listened to Curt Thompson's book this morning, The Soul of Desire.   That must be God trying to ask me the question.  So, what do I desire.   To start with I desire intimacy.  But not intimacy that is satisfied by a sexual release.  But what does that intimacy look like.  It's a question for me to give some serious thought to.  I will meditate on the word tomorrow morning and as I go to bed tonight.   I desire bike rides on summer days, listening to Gun 's Roses, singing sweet child of mine, or Bon Jovi, singing you give love a bad name.   I desire climbing a tree with my girlfriend and her desiring for me to climax so she grabs me until I climax.   I desire standing at center court with such a lead that we don't have to stand on the line for the free throws, but can stand back and feel like I'm noticed by the crowd as a key player for the so...

 This Saturday and and Saturday before I got really angry over my lack of ability to complete a few tasks in an efficient manner.   Last Saturday it was changing the oil in the Flex.  This Saturday it was changing the faucets for Erphon.   In either case I had to make multiple trips to the store in order to complete the job. This past Saturday I got really upset with myself.  I was afraid I was going to be late and not be in home in time for Susie to get to her group night.  I cut my time so close that I was literally 2 minutes late getting home when I should have had 30 minutes or so to spare.   And I got so angry with myself.  So angry that I  was screaming and cussing in the car.   Where did that anger come from?   Disappointment with myself that I can't seem to get things right with Susie no matter how hard I try.   Disappointment with myself that I can't do these jobs more efficiently and conf...

 We are all hanging out tonight and I was being ignored by Susie.   I would make a comment and she just acted like I wasn't there.   It hurts.   Why does she have to carry on this way?   I try to mask the pain and the hurt when she doesn't acknowledge my comments or look at me when she makes eye contact with everyone else that is around.  I try to mask it with work, or with movies, or with tasks around the house.  But eventually the realization of her contempt for me sinks in and it hurts.   Yesterday she tried to talk to me about Anna after she came home from the trunk or treat and I just didn't understand what she was saying.  Something about Anna's attitude when she came in from the outing and about how Anna was quiet or something but that's not the way I saw it.   I also let Simon and Anna get into a kids car without knowing whether or not they had seat belts.  In the moment I did feel uncertain abo...

 Preach the gospel to yourself,  preach the truth to yourself.   Focus on and write down scripture to teach me the truth.   Paul preached to himself.  - Romans John the Baptist - Jesus needed the spirit to open the father God says, "With you, Kyle, I am well pleased." Maturity means to continue to preach this message to yourself.   - Manhood means being quick to run to him.

 I've been thinking about how or even whether or not to celebrate our 21st anniversary.   I decided that this could be an opportunity to lead.  So, I decided that we should do something. I think that if we can't recognize our anniversary, we don't really have a marriage.  We should invest in this as an opportunity to get a deeper understanding of our relationship.   Part of me thinks that she just really love Ben and her desire for him makes it impossible right now to have desire for me.   But what do I know.  I'm not good are reading her mind and feelings.  Nope, not good whatsoever.   So, today, on a chill Sunday afternoon, my chance to bring up the subject emerged.  She was cleaning the living room and I was doing the dishes.  I said to her, "Sus, I would like to do something for our anniversary."   No response.  So, if I don't get any more response I'll pursue this in a week or two.  ...

 I've been reflecting on when it was that I went from feeling like a legitimate man and I have to say that when I dated Noel, when I pursued her I felt like a man.  I went after it and I got it.  In fact, I got it more than I ever dreamed I would get it.  I wasn't going after that, I just liked her and thought she was intriguing.  Man, I can almost smell her now.  I had some amazing nights with her.  Some amazing afternoons with her.  She wanted me and I wanted her.  And she was so cool about it all.  Never that complicated.   Then she went off to a backpacking camp and came back a changed person.  I longed for her to get back and make out with her again, but she had other ideas.  She basically broke up with me.  Those next few weeks and months were really tough.  I had football to focus on but I was physically starved after the sexual activity that we did.  Man, that was tough.  I had a lot of des...

 Susie and I have our 21st anniversary coming up with no plans to do anything together.   There is a part that me is sad about that but another part of my that doesn't really give a fuck anymore.  I would rather screw the neighbor or one of my co-workers than deal with the shitty attitude that Susie shows me.   That is not what love looks like in this relationship, but that is how I feel some times.   I'm thinking about what love would look like in our relationship.  I don't know.  That is the challenging question I want to consider.   The days around our anniversary are super busy.   Maybe we can order Thai food in.   Maybe we can have dinner or do an activity with friends.   Maybe we can meet with Rick and Vicky for a couples session.   Maybe we can just ignore it.   Maybe we can try to have a conversation through text or on a walk.   Maybe I can think of a way to sh...

 This is a busy and intense season.  We're out of the drag of September but into the struggle against bad habits of October.   I want to be on top of everything, but if this week is indicative of what it's going to be like, I'm likely to get further and further behind.   And in the mean time, my marriage sucks and I have no time to work on it.  The tasks of being the head basketball coach are far too many.  At least that's how it has been during tryouts.   There are certain students that are making my life more stressful.   The lesson yesterday was pretty decent but today it seemed so ungrounded and they didn't seem to learn any more than they did the day before.  We're moving at a far too quick pace for many but a much too slow pace for others.   I need to just keep going with my current pace and rely on IXL and Khan to reach those who are behind.  

 Good but tough meeting with Rick today.   He pointed out that I have no backbone and Susie finds that repulsive.  Not in those words but that was basically the message that I took away from it.   That if I stand up for what I desire, and know what I desire, and have desire for something worthwhile, then she may respond positively to that.   I know that there have been times when I have cowered or not realized I stood have defended and protected her or our family or myself.   A lot of this has to do with my passive personality.   I remember the time that the kid at cub scout camp punched me in the gut and I didn't defend myself.  Or the time that I was picking on David at Camp Mo-Val and he nearly kicked my ass instead.   Or the times I would get into fights with Bobby Laune.  Early on I was OK with defending myself, but after a while I was tired of it and I let him get the best of me.  I had some fear ...

 I had spent the weekend in New Haven and got to see the familiar faces and places.  On Sunday afternoon my grandparents came and picked me up to take me home.   I rode in the back seat and began to get sad about leaving New Haven, moving to Ballwin, whatever it was, and I started to cry.  I cried probably most of the drive home.   No one noticed.  Surely my grandparents noticed.  But they didn't say anything.  Surely my parents should have asked me how the time in New Haven was, but I must have hid away in my room, and they didn't come find me.  How sad.  How sad I was.  How much I had to stuff.   One time my mom finally did find me crying after one of my trips to New Haven.  After that I don't remember visiting too often.  Maybe that was the grieving and comfort I needed at that time.  But I think I still grieve that move to Ballwin.  

 This has been a tough week.  October 3rd through 9th.   I'm getting weepy as I type this now.   I think it started last week when Rick brought up the fact, a couple or three times actually, that it must be painful to feel the contempt that Susie has for me.   I told him that it is painful.  And that I have grieved over it.  It did make me sad while we were meeting.  But it wasn't until that night or the next day that it started to really sink in.  Then the realization of her contempt toward me hit me and I have been thinking about that a lot since then.   On Wednesday I texted Pete and said I'm so sick of this marriage.  So that was definitely a low point. On Thursday I talked to Elijah about us.  I said it weird cause it in our control but it's also not in our control.  He said from talking to mom she hasn't said that much.  But he told me that he gave some indication that wasn't good.  ... ...