Meeting with Rick, October 10

 Good but tough meeting with Rick today.  

He pointed out that I have no backbone and Susie finds that repulsive.  Not in those words but that was basically the message that I took away from it.  

That if I stand up for what I desire, and know what I desire, and have desire for something worthwhile, then she may respond positively to that.  

I know that there have been times when I have cowered or not realized I stood have defended and protected her or our family or myself.  

A lot of this has to do with my passive personality.  

I remember the time that the kid at cub scout camp punched me in the gut and I didn't defend myself.  Or the time that I was picking on David at Camp Mo-Val and he nearly kicked my ass instead.  

Or the times I would get into fights with Bobby Laune.  Early on I was OK with defending myself, but after a while I was tired of it and I let him get the best of me.  I had some fear of him and was a bit afraid to be around him at times.  Which was legitimate because he was two grades older than me, but the dynamic was that most people in that circle saw he and me as equals.  

The time when I was lifeguarding on the 4th of July and didn't give myself permission to take a break.  I didn't keep firm boundaries when the kids were swimming in the deep end when everyone knew they shouldn't.  When the football coach had to come over to me and tell me how to do my job.  

I'm curious to know how I missed this understanding of setting and keeping boundaries from childhood, and where I missed this lesson or didn't learn this lesson when I was a child.  I remember my mom sticking up for us.  I remember my dad sticking up for us.  Why didn't I learn to stick up for myself?  

And this created a response for when I'm in danger I freeze in that situation.  

When I argue with Susie I freeze.  My brain doesn't think quickly, or it goes to anger, which is not helpful.  

Rick asked: Did I feel capable and competent when I was an adult, and did that feeling of competence, or confidence, fade away during our marriage?

He also asked: Did I resist the adoptions?  Did I go along with them when I didn't want to?  I think it was more a matter of going along with having Esther, wonderful, beautiful Esther, that made me feel a sense of powerlessness.  

He asked:  Did Susie lose respect for me when I didn't speak up about the adoption?  

I think it was more that I didn't get the vasectomy when I wanted to get it a few months before we decided to have Esther.  

Rich suggested that maybe I need to exert myself to her.  

He asked, "What does love look like in this relationship?"  

I might ask it another way, what does kindness look like in this relationship?  I think that is a good question for me to get answered by Adam Young.  To explore that question through his podcast.  I think Susie has shown kindness by being honest, even though it has felt almost like evil at times.  

I can begin by being assertive with the kids.

I can begin by requiring expectations of others to do their fair share and even help me out when I need it.  

I can begin by telling myself that I have value and I am worth investing time, energy, effort, and money.  That I deserve to be kind to myself.  

I can begin by clearning out the garage, by cleaning out the attic, by cleaning out my closet.  And investing money, time, energy, and effort into these projects.  

I can begin by asserting my leadership with the basketball team.  The time for learning about leadership continues, but even more so, it is time to assert my instincts and knowledge to lead this team.  To not lose myself or be something I'm not, but to set boundaries and give the effort to keep them.  

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