Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 September 25 Now this one was really tough.   I don't even want to type this.   Basically, Susie is completely checked out of any feelings for me.  The only feelings she has towards me are feelings of contempt.   Apparently, Rick thinks Susie needs to repent in order to deal with these feelings.   There is not progress.  We're just going to wait and see if I can change.  Which I can only change so much.  And Susie is a moving target so what am I changing for anyways.   I'm a small man.  That is in over his head.  I'm thankful for the people I can be with at Mosaic, but I feel like I have to keep up to a certain standard in order to keep those relationships.  If I did what I really want to do, which is go see if Sarah Smith would have sex with me, then it would end those relationships.   So, I'll get it down though.  Because maybe it will eventually be helpful.   Rick said ...

 Some thoughts from meeting today with Rick. I shared how Susie did not seem interested in interacting with me when I got home from camping and how she didn't talk to me when we drove to Simon's baseball game.   Then I started thinking about all the times that she shared with me and I tuned her out.  How did I not see the consequences of ignoring her, or rather allowing myself to be distracted, when she was trying to talk to me.  It's a pattern that I have been following my whole life.   I'm almost 50 not.  50 years.  My God that's a long time.  But I can't allow myself to see this as any kind of end.  I've got to see this as a new beginning.  Yes.  Even after 50 years.  Wow.  So much time.   But that little boy that is still wounded and lonely and crying inside me is having a big influence on me.  So, I have to continue to be in relationship with that little boy.   Help me see what you'v...

 Maybe my little traumas really did have a big impact of who I am today. I'd like to think I'm above my little t traumas, but not one really can be above any trauma.  Your mind and body respond the way it's going to respond.   My little t traumas have not allowed to me feel my feelings.  To express what is going on with me.  When Susie is talking to me I don't feel what she is telling me.  My reaction to her talking to me gets in the way of feeling what she is saying to me.  Instead I'm trying to listen and not interpret her words wrong.  I think it's cause I didn't have that much practice sharing what I was feeling.   It was more like I was quiet so I could get what I wanted and since I wasn't loud like Dana I was never looked at like I was the burden.  Instead I was the one that they saw as the easy one.  The good one.  I guess I got attention for being good at sports so I got attention.  I wanted to be on that...