Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

Judy suggested that I write a letter to myself.  Here is my attempt to do that.   What I really want to get out of life is... Sex and a little bit of intimacy.   Control of my future.   Easy and enjoyable work. None of those are that much in my control and they certainly won't come without a fair amount of effort on my part.   I need to invest time and energy into my emotional health.  Sitting with my thoughts.  Meditating on my life and in the lives of my loved ones and friends.  Including my children, my coworkers and students, my family, and people new in my life. I want to practice self appreciation practices.   I want to continue my craft in handyman work.  

 This afternoon after I got home from basketball Susie suggested that we talk to Esther about the divorce.  I had been thinking that we should tell her very soon.   We sat in the downstairs living room while Esther was eating away carefree at some Lucky Charms cereal.  Susie way lying on the couch and I sat on the brown table, Esther sitting next to Susie on the couch.   Esther asked if she could watch Bored Shorts but Susie told her that we had something we needed to talk to her about.   I said that she was going to be living with her mom and dad like Jude does.  She said what, I'm confused.   Susie said, Esther, dad and I are getting  a divorce.  (This is the absolutely worst, hardest part that I've been crying about this evening.) Esther said, na ah, you are joking.  Or you're kidding.  One of those.   Then Susie said, no, it's real. And Esther fell into Susie's arms and hid her face, crying int...

Judy recommended a letter to Susie and a letter to myself. I'll start with the letter to Susie.  Dear Susie, 23+ years of marriage.   We have changed.  We have grown. We have been wounded. We are healing from those wounds. We have a lot of life ahead of us, but all our adult lives has been intertwined.   I think of the song from wicked, I have been changed for good.  I know I have been changed for good from knowing you.  It would make my heart glad to know you feel the same about me, but if not I will be ok with that too.   I'm sorry for wounding you.  Right now it's hard for me to say that and really mean that I'm sorry, because I hurt.  But I hope I can heal and you can be comforted by me saying with all my heart that I am sorry.   And I hope you can say sorry to me because I have been wounded by you too.   I think about the life that we could have had, the life that together we will never have, and while ...

I remember dropping off Danny from basketball practice. It must have been junior year.  He said something about how I had changed and gave an opening for me to talk about my faith.  I think I offered him a track, maybe not.  But I didn't know what to say.   I remember riding in an elevator with Cory emmeneger and he asked me what the cross was about.  I again didn't know what to say.   My reaction to someone trying to get close and personal to me is to freeze.  I wonder why that is.  

 Thursday, December 19, 2024 I don't know.  Being in Missouri.  Fixing up Sunrose.  Winning basketball games.  Being with my parents and Allen and Ruth.  Being with Esther.  Watching Simon play soccer.  Visiting Elijah, Mary, and Anna at college.  Playing board games with Mark and the guys.  Hiking on the La Luz.  Finishing a handyman job with confidence that other problems won't arise.   But what will really make me happy and fulfilled.  It needs to be more than just these simple pleasures.  I have to believe that there is more.  And I'm not finding it in my participation in church or my relationship with God.   The question is what do I want.   I want... To be a middle school kid with everything in front of me.  With endless possibilities for this one wild life.  I want to recapture that sense of optimistic possibilities for my life.  

 Martha Nix Dana Nix Eric Nix Dan Nix Pete Hopkins Mark Gagliano Brian Fletcher Tim Armer and the Wednesday breakfast group Mike Jaecks Judy Matt Foster Vivat Zephan Hazel Kenyon Jackson Zac Lesniac Joe and the fellas Steve Archambault Ruth Archambault Allen Archambault

 I met with Judy today.  I told her that Susie and I are getting a divorce.  I sounded so damn depressed.  I felt so little affect about what I was saying.  I was just going through the motions.  It was sad to see how I was being.  I hope this doesn't last much longer.   I am meeting again with Judy in early January.  That will be good.   She gave me four takeaways.   1. Ask for what I need 2. Find a counselor to go through this with (search Psychology Today - Albuquerque) 3. Look for a new spiritual community 4. Write a letter to Susie and to myself about my feelings.  (I don't need to give the letter to Susie.) Some other nuggets from our conversation. I need to make healing from this a priority.  This divorce is not personal, it's just part of life.  Find a way to accept it and then begin to work on my attitude towards it.  What can I do for myself and how can a create for myself a path forward?...

 Tomorrow my A team will play the first game of the Bronze bracket.  I like our chances, but have no idea how we will compete.  It could be my last.  I mainly hope that we will at least get this win and live to play another two days.  I'm going to demand that the players play fast and aggressively.  That they play smart and share the ball with their teammates.  That they play disciplined enough to run the plays that we went over in practice.  If we do that we have a good chance.  If we don't, our season, and probably my coaching career, will come to an abrupt end.  My message to the players was to mentally prepare themselves for the game.  They are an undisciplined team, let by an undisciplined coach.  But one that can shine brightly from time to time.  But can fizzle out just as fast.   I have decided that refinancing the house, including the solar panels, is going to be the best route going forward.  My ho...

 Did I ever respect her.  Did I ever appreciate her.  She says she never felt respected.  She says she never felt connected.   Does it matter now?  Because it is ending.  My marriage is over.   Susie is under contract on a house.  I will be paying her $125,000 (essentially $250,000) for a house that I bought for $185,000.  That's what divorce will get you.  Absolute insanity.  I'm taking out a 30 year mortgage on a house at the age of nearly 50.  Absolutely screwed over.  She's in the same boat, but she getting essentially exactly what she wants.  At least that's what it feels like.  Absolute insanity.  50.  And this is where I am in life.  What the fuck did I do wrong?  I scraped by.  I worked my ass off at handyman jobs.  I pinched pennies.  For what.  Nothing.  I'm not coming out ahead.  I'm coming out upside down.  Way upside down.  I'...

 This was not an easy month.  Ben visiting and going to Toas with Susie.  Susie telling me that she wants to 'move forward' with her live and separate.  Me looking at possible houses to flip and then that falling though.  Talking to the kids about us separating, and Susie saying that it will eventually end in divorce. Thanksgiving.   Thankfully December has been better at least for a day.  However, now I filled out some paperwork for Susie's lender.  She says it's just to get the information to see what we qualify for.  She says he can do a equity payout loan, but I'm not convinced.  But, I filled out the damn paperwork anyway.  I'm going to call US Bank and Indigo mortgage in the morning to ensure that and equity buyout loan is a possibility in New Mexico.  I need to talk to a lender that specializes in divorce lending.   It feels like the end of our marriage is starting off like the beginning of our lives toget...