November 2024

 This was not an easy month.  Ben visiting and going to Toas with Susie.  Susie telling me that she wants to 'move forward' with her live and separate.  Me looking at possible houses to flip and then that falling though.  Talking to the kids about us separating, and Susie saying that it will eventually end in divorce. Thanksgiving.  

Thankfully December has been better at least for a day.  However, now I filled out some paperwork for Susie's lender.  She says it's just to get the information to see what we qualify for.  She says he can do a equity payout loan, but I'm not convinced.  But, I filled out the damn paperwork anyway.  I'm going to call US Bank and Indigo mortgage in the morning to ensure that and equity buyout loan is a possibility in New Mexico.  I need to talk to a lender that specializes in divorce lending.  

It feels like the end of our marriage is starting off like the beginning of our lives together.  

After finding the ideal situation to start a career at Lion's Den Outdoor Learning Center in summer 2000 I reconnected with Susie and eventually ended up in Albuquerque that fall.  I remember I have hardly unpacked my car, in fact I think it may have still been pack, when Susie and I went for an afternoon bike ride shortly after I had arrived.  We leave the house on Cedar Ridge on a cold and windy afternoon.  I was quite under dressed for the ride.  By the time we got to Tramway my ears were hurting and I was already tired from riding into the wind.  I hadn't been riding much at that time.  Susie was at least a block ahead of me, if not two.  I remember riding up the hill to the stoplight on Tramway.  Susie had already crossed the busy intersection and was staring back at me as if she wanted to keep going and that I was dragging her down.  My ears were hurting.  My body was tired.  One of my first thoughts was that I had made a mistake.  I actually gave consideration to ride back down the hill, getting in my car, and heading back home.  I decided not to.  And ever since then I think I have been chasing this wildly driven woman that has been out ahead of me, and I have been losing myself ever since that cold, miserable bike ride.  

Now is when I get off that bike and walk or ride back.  Warm up my ears.  Get my car unpacked and settle myself into a living situation that suits me.  And do the work of finding where my home is and what I want to do with my life.  I don't have to keep up with her any more.  

But I do need to navigate this final part of the bike ride well so that I keep my dignity and feel satisfied with how the financial and relational aspects of it sorts out.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Birthdays aren't all that great these days either

 Man, what a depressed selfish boy I sound like.   I'm feeling all this self pity on my birthday.   I think what really set me off was Susie getting upset with me because Esther wasn't ready as early as she wanted.  It felt like intentional messing up my birthday.  That really frustrated me.   I have some important people to me in my life, and their birthday wishes meant a lot, but I still feel alone.  I still feel like I'm on my own.   Last year the Superbowl was on my birthday and it was one of my very best birthdays.  This year I had to teach on the day after my birthday and I was one of the worst I can remember.   This week especially sucks because Valentines Day is coming too.  That really sucks because it used to be such a special, fun time for me, and I thought it was for Susie too.  But maybe I was fooling myself all the while.  It's hard to believe that is that case, but I think it's true....
Read more

Jr. High Bullying

 In the 8th grade I was bullied by Cory.  I can't remember the kids last name.  I would stand there at my locker and he would shove my back and I would bump into my locker.   It seems like the first time he did it it was an act of endurement.  Like playing around with one of your buddies.  But after a few times it got old.  He would look back at me with his hair flip in his blonde hair, seemingly to make sure that I knew it was him that pushed me.  It went from enduring, to annoying, to bullying, to daily trauma.  I set up a punching bag in my basement.  I found some martial arts magazines and started to practice some moves.  I grew a fear of confronting him.   I tried to just hope away the problem but it wouldn't go away.  I grew more and more weary of him doing this to me and I tried to come up with a scheme to get him to stop doing it.  Often there was an administrator at the end of the hallway watching o...
Read more

Trip to Gerald - May 26 to June 3, 2021

Wed, May 26         heyooooooooooo Abq to Tucumcari 2:40, 186 mi to Amarillo 1:41, 113 mi to Sayre 1:57, 132 mi to OKC 1:54, 129 mi to McD 2:25, 167 mi to Spfd 2:05, 132 mi to Gerald 2:34 163 arrived! We left at 6:03 am, almost on time. Elijah wanted to make oatmeal before leaving. The driving was very smooth and easy. Elijah commented about the time going by quickly. And it did. Compared to the trip in Nov. 2020, the van made much better time. We averaged about 80, the scion averaged about 70! Elijah and I listened to Rachel Held Evans. He was diggin' it. It gave him a story to relate to. Though I don't think it strengthened his Christian faith. But, overall I think it was good thing for him to hear. We talked less than I would have liked, but we did talk some. I was able to speak to him about the value of putting yourself in a position to make money if there comes a time that you need or want to. That he should pursue writing, but that this is a good ti...
Read more