Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 This will be the 2nd year post marriage to go through the holidays.  The last few years while we were married and last Christmas was probably the worst.  I think this year will be easier to manage the emotions.  Though I know there will be one way on another that she will do to cause me to get bothered.   This school year has been a mixed bag, bi-polar to be more accurate.  The math strats class is the pits.  It is mainly Crucito and a small handful of kids.  It is also my inability to dedicate the time needed to meet the big diversity of learning needs.  So, I'll just suffer through and make incremental improvements.  It's kinda slowly working.  But the feeling of disrespect and disregard gets really old.  But, my 6th grade classes are decent.  

 One week of school down.   I think I made a goal to journal over summer, but the only time I journaled was when I made that goal! ... that was less than a success.   But, here I am, journaling today.  So that is a success.   Talking with Jen on Facebook Dating has made me excited about visiting some national parks.  Glacier, Redweek, Rainier, Sequia, Grand Tetons, Crate Lake, Grand Canyon, it does go on and on.   So, I've tentatively planned a trip in October to see Steve.  We would visit Sequoia and go to a Rams game, so that would be two amazing experiences.   Elijah is back to work and Mary is off to college.  So, my school routine is really starting to kick in and the routine is going to settle in and settle down.  But it will certainly be a lot of work.   There are several things going and and possibilities upcoming so I do have some things to look forward to.  I'm in a good place at the...

This was quite an exciting week.  Scuba certification.  Mihika's 21st birthday party.  Visited Adelanta.  Elijah is visiting and was staying in my bedroom.  Susie's birthday.   This coming week is Camp Adventure.  Simon's birthday party.  LBJ team meeting.  Trying to get vehicles repaired. Scuba was a very good experience.  4 training dives and a 5th bonus dive at Perch Lake in Santa Rosa.  Saw a plane and some fish, trout and catfish.  Met a lot of neat people.  Some really good instructors.  Had a nice stay at a nice hotel.  Looking forward to more adventures in the future hopefully.  Saturday evening at the motel was interesting.  Looked at pictures on Facebook, then went to bed with, not that, but scuba diving on my mind.  The images of being under water without air was what I was thinking about.  But then in the morning those thoughts of worry were all gone and I enjoyed the two dive...

My counselor's name is Karan.   We have met twice.  She is good.   Next session I will ask to talk about what to do with these emotions.  Do I just let them go?   I've been sad lately that I no longer have an intimate relationship with Susie.   What do I do with that? Donu just let if fade away?  Do I turn it into something else?  Something new?

Watching Chad Powers tonight. I got emotional.  It was a scene where he came in for the starting quarterback and the team to a surprising win.  I feel like I got emotional when it showed the other people getting excited for Chad.  That this person who others thought little love was able to do something surprisingly significant.  I guess I'm sad that I feel like I'm really not going to do anything significant, but maybe there is some inspiration that some people are able to do that, and maybe even I could do that some day.  I think about my day today activities, the relationships I have even with my own family and children, I guess I feel like it's lacking to say the least and I wonder what future there is for me. I can take part in these activities alone but doesn't really mean that much unless I'm sharing it with somebody but I feel like a significant to me.

This is a voice to text entry.  Had coffee with Shaynor today?.  He asked me about the divorce.  The question that stands out the most is what did it feel like?  He asked if it felt like betrayal?  I didn't have a good answer.  But I did say was that I felt like my marriage was the one thing I could count on, that would always be there.  That losing that thing that I could count on was one of the most difficult things.  And as I think about that now, that's again about me and not about Susie, I don't know if losing Susie caused the sadness.  Maybe because our relationship was so tenuous The freedom from that stress I'm feeling her disappointment in me have been pushing me away from her for some time.  The sadness was about losing a life that I had spent so much effort on creating.   One of the kind things that he said is that I don't owe the church anything.  He said that he didn't know how to step in and take action when ...