Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

Watching Chad Powers tonight. I got emotional.  It was a scene where he came in for the starting quarterback and the team to a surprising win.  I feel like I got emotional when it showed the other people getting excited for Chad.  That this person who others thought little love was able to do something surprisingly significant.  I guess I'm sad that I feel like I'm really not going to do anything significant, but maybe there is some inspiration that some people are able to do that, and maybe even I could do that some day.  I think about my day today activities, the relationships I have even with my own family and children, I guess I feel like it's lacking to say the least and I wonder what future there is for me. I can take part in these activities alone but doesn't really mean that much unless I'm sharing it with somebody but I feel like a significant to me.

This is a voice to text entry.  Had coffee with Shaynor today?.  He asked me about the divorce.  The question that stands out the most is what did it feel like?  He asked if it felt like betrayal?  I didn't have a good answer.  But I did say was that I felt like my marriage was the one thing I could count on, that would always be there.  That losing that thing that I could count on was one of the most difficult things.  And as I think about that now, that's again about me and not about Susie, I don't know if losing Susie caused the sadness.  Maybe because our relationship was so tenuous The freedom from that stress I'm feeling her disappointment in me have been pushing me away from her for some time.  The sadness was about losing a life that I had spent so much effort on creating.   One of the kind things that he said is that I don't owe the church anything.  He said that he didn't know how to step in and take action when ...

 June 25, 2025 Elijah met with Ruth and Allen about support for his RUF internship.   June 26, 2025 Elijah, Zach, Ruth, Allen, and I met at UNM hospital at 5:30 am.  Getting to the surgery waiting room was confusion because of construction at the hospital but we all waited together until about 6:30 when Elijah got called back from pre-op.   The surgery started around 7:40.  Allen, Zack, and I went to breakfast together at the hospital.  I went home around 8:10 to check on the kids and make sure Mihika got on the bus for summer school.   I returned to the hospital around 1:15 pm the monitor in the waiting room changed from In Surgery to In Recovery.   Around 3 pm we were able to go into the patient room with Elijah.  He was in so much pain and discomfort.  We wanted to ask questions but it was exhausting for him so Ruth and I left shortly after.  It was just Nick there.   June 27, 2025 I visited Elijah a...

 I attended Mosaic once again and it was difficult, once again.   I want to attend New City Church, but the more I think about going there I am discouraged and not sure I want to go there either.   It seems I can't escape the presence and reminders of Susie.  Maybe for the next few months the outdoors should be my sanctuary.  Just maybe that is what I should do.  Go to church with Mark on Saturdays, occasionally, and try to see God in the outdoors.  That actually gives me the most peace and comfort.   Lately when I think about the life that Susie is living and the encounters that I'm missing out with her and my children it literally makes me queasy to my stomach.  My body is trying to tell me something that I don't quite understand.  But I do know something is bothering me.   It was 23 years of marriage, plus the three years prior to that of being on again and off again.  So it has been a long, long, long ti...

Feb. 1, 2025 Hi, everyone! I want to thank all who have been supporting me over the past few weeks! What a gift you all have been! It makes this process so much more bearable. Here's a quick timeline of what has happened so far: 1/7: Initial visit with primary care doctor. Noticed lump and some pain in right testicle. 1/9: Ultrasound showed a tumor in my right testicle 1/21-22: Urologist ordered bloodwork and CT scan which confrimed cancer has spread to abdominal lymph nodes. 1/28: Fertility preservation 1/30: orchiectomy to remove the cancerous testicle. Next Steps: 2/??: Biopsy results will identify details needed to help oncology create a chemo regiment. Biopsy results will also allow me to schedule a pulminary exam and port insertion, both required before chemo. 2/13: Post-Op visit with urology 2/18: Oncology consultation. Chemo will likely start before March. Again, I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system! Thank you all for your encouragement! I plan to add more...

I dropped off Mihika and Esther this morning at church, Susie came outside to meet us in the parking lot. As I drove closer and closer to the church started getting a strange feeling of anger bitterness or resentment or sadness, it's really hard to put my finger I want that emotion was.  On Friday morning I took Simon to school and I'll drop him off I saw Gabe brodel dropping off her kids and Carissa too.  Very similar emotions came up to what I thought when I dropped off Esther and Mihika at church in the morning. I'm curious to try to figure out what emotions I was feeling and what brought on those strong emotions. I think it was probably sadness, mainly sadness.  Sadness over the loss of my family as a unit. I think back to vacation Bible School at Desert springs, of going to church when Elijah was still at home, of men's retreats.  Dedicating the kids at the old redemption location.  Of sitting next to Susie with the kids at New City Church.  There are ...