mosaic and church friends

I dropped off Mihika and Esther this morning at church, Susie came outside to meet us in the parking lot.
As I drove closer and closer to the church started getting a strange feeling of anger bitterness or resentment or sadness, it's really hard to put my finger I want that emotion was. 

On Friday morning I took Simon to school and I'll drop him off I saw Gabe brodel dropping off her kids and Carissa too.  Very similar emotions came up to what I thought when I dropped off Esther and Mihika at church in the morning.

I'm curious to try to figure out what emotions I was feeling and what brought on those strong emotions. I think it was probably sadness, mainly sadness. 
Sadness over the loss of my family as a unit. I think back to vacation Bible School at Desert springs, of going to church when Elijah was still at home, of men's retreats.  Dedicating the kids at the old redemption location.  Of sitting next to Susie with the kids at New City Church.  There are lots and lots of family ministries related to church.  Though I don't really believe and the message they were teaching those Church experiences are still very life-giving to me.  And I have to recreate that now, I'm not going to be able to do Church with my family in the same way.  Maybe I could go as Susie's friend and co-parent to our children but right now I can't do that and I'm fading even further away from the beliefs that they ask you to hold to be a part of their community. So I don't really know what it looks like next as far as my religious experience. And maybe that's why I get sad when I see church friends and when I'm around things it remind me of Mosaic Church.

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