Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 This is much harder to write about than fixing dryers.  I think I need another day to let this one soak in.  It's hard to revisit this stuff.  I'll go to bed for now but I'll come back tomorrow and get down some memories and reflections about him.   This guy Chris Pelster is the one that sexually abused Eric. I first learned about this when we lived at Walnut Point Ct.  Eric and I were sleeping in mom and dad's bedroom on the floor.  I was 12 when we moved so I must have been at least 12 or 13 years old.  Eric and I were talking before we went to sleep as we often did and he asked me if I knew about the abuse.  I hadn't heard about it before.  Him telling me this seemed surreal.  I couldn't imagine something so serious, so awful could come to our family.  I had to think about how I should feel about it rather than how I did feel about it because I couldn't place my feelings about it.  My feelings weren't there. ...

 Yesterday Elijah drove the van to college for the first time.  Before he left we took a copy cat picture from when we sold the Ford Windstar.  When looking at the picture I commented that Susie looked skinnier in the old picture than the one we took yesterday.  Susie took offense to that comment and told me that girls do not appreciate those kinds of comments.  I was taken aback.  The way she heard my comment was not how it was intended.  However, I was suprised and a little glad that she even noticed my comment.  I wasn't sure that anything I said even registered with her.  But I guess they still do at some level at least.   I texted her today to say that I was sorry and that she is attractive to me.  Always has been.  Always will be.  She didn't respond but maybe that better than a bad response.   I plan on meeting with her and Scott on February 21st.   I had a handyman job today after school....

It is Thursday evening before a nice coming weekend of skiing and watching football.  ... Hoping that we all come home healthy and walking strong on both of our legs and using both of our arms and our necks.   Skiing is fun but it does make me nervous.   Football is fun but that make me nervous in another way.  The Rams play the 49ers this Sunday.  I'm confident they will win but I know I will be nervous watching my favorite team play.   Anyway, the season after Christmas is delightful with birthdays, football playoffs, valentines day, and skiing.  It is funny how long for Christmas all year long and then am a bit depressed after the holidays, but then I'm cheerful shortly after because this is a nice time of the year too.   How are things going with Susie?  She seems more and more open to talking about things that are slightly more personal.  Like we talked a little bit about going down to Branson early and she wasn'...

 Not a real cheerful time.  We did an exercise where we shared, showed our understanding, then gave feelback.  Scott calls this the H.U.G. activity.   I was terrible at it.  It doesn't help that I'm so darn self-demeaning and crititcal of myself.  But really, I stumbled over my words so bad.  When I tried to gives words to what Susie said I just fumbled over my words.  It's going to take a lot of time for me to get any good at this.  If I ever will.   I will share more tomorrow about some of the insights from the session.  The way the Susie walled off during the meeting makes me feel very hopeless, and I feel like I deserve every bit of her coldness toward me.   Tuesday, January 18 - Texts with Susie today about plans for the weekend got a little confrontational but I think we sorted it out fairly civilized.  I asked if I was assuming something that wasn't there and I think that was the right thing to do bec...

 I enjoyed sleepovers but at some point I remember that sleepovers turned into a frightening time away from my home.   What comes to mind is the child who enjoys playing with his friends on the playground but comes back to the security of his mom or dad every few minutes just to reconnect with the safety and security of his parents. Except in my case I left my home but didn't feel secure enough to stay the whole night at my friends house.   There are three different times that I specifically remember these long nights.  The timeline of them are not clear in my memory.   One happened at Jeremy's house.  It seems like we were getting ready for bed and I started to get homesick.  I vaguely remember wanted to stay and because it was fun yet I was crying because I wanted to go home.  I remember standing in their dining room and telling Vickie that I wanted to go home.  I remember my mom showing up and being gracious about it.  ...

 Yesterday Elijah and I rode down to his school.  It was a nice day.  The day was a bit long but there was no obligation to do anything else except take care of getting him to school and setting up his new room.   We had a nice talk at the start of our drive.  We talked about the enneagram for most of the drive, especially for the first part of the drive.  We stopped in Socorro for lunch at McDonalds.  We arrived at his place around 2:30.  The house was bigger than I thought it would be.  His room was small but plenty of space.  I'm sure he is going to have a good time with his roomates.  I'm a bit concerned about him riding his bike to campus since it is a pretty long ride.   We then emptied out his room.  It was a weird feeling to move him out of the dorm into a house.  It's one thing to move him into a dorm room, it a whole other thing to move him into his own place.   We then went to Savers and...

 Met with Scott before school today.   Meeting started off a little dry then I got pretty emotional toward the end of the meeting.  I didn't see that coming really, but it was good.  The main thing I got from it was that I desire to be wanted and to feel close to Susie.  It has been a while since it has felt that way though.  He also said that after this emotional work that Susie does it may not feel like I'm married to the same person, for good or bad.  (That would be so weird.)  Also, that I should focus on unmet desire when I get angry instead of thinking it as not getting what I think I deserve.  Here are my notes from the meeting: I need to repair with Mihika.  She will think she did something wrong.  Ask them eheir sory about hitting Mihika.  Ask her to put into words what happened.  And Esther too.   There's a lot of not know what is going on leading to confusion.  I need to go to the source to e...

 I brought Mihika to Matthew's house on Wednesday the 29th.  It was fun.  One thing I noticed was that Phil and Sandra were flirting and being affectionate with each other.  It was nice, but made me desire Susie in that way.  On the drive home I was texting with Susie.  I mentioned out of the blue that I would be needing a shower.  It was a statement that I hoped she would respond to and invite me into some level of intimacy.  But there was no response to it from her.  I was a bit put off but it wasn't too disheartening.   On Thursday night I had a great time playing Catan with Mark, Mike, and Matt.  I got home and shared with Elijah and Simon what a good time it was.  In the morning I was looking forward to sharing with Susie about my night.  I began to share with her but she did not give any response.  I took that as a rejection from her.  (However, I never asked her how her night, which on afterthought is...

 It may have been $300, or $400, or $500.  It was a large chunk of money.   Sitting in the airport in Delhi before boarding the flight to Chicago, I sat in the chair with Elijah waiting for Susie who was shopping.  I had emptied my travel pack to organize my things when Elijah suddenly had to pee.  I quickly gathered my things, including what was disheveled in my lap as well as all of our luggage so I could take Elijah to the bathroom.  When I got back and sat down I noticed that I had everything except our cash, about $300 or more.  I searched everywhere but had no luck. I wanted that trip to end in the worst way.  Meeting Mihika was a terrible experience and the thought of dealing with her disabilities was overwhelming.  I knew it was going to be hard with her, but to get back on that plane and to be heading home was a comfort I was deeply longing for.  Over the last few days I got more and more excited at the thought of sitting i...