Story of Anger over Feeling Rejection from Susie and Disability of Mihika

 I brought Mihika to Matthew's house on Wednesday the 29th.  It was fun.  One thing I noticed was that Phil and Sandra were flirting and being affectionate with each other.  It was nice, but made me desire Susie in that way.  On the drive home I was texting with Susie.  I mentioned out of the blue that I would be needing a shower.  It was a statement that I hoped she would respond to and invite me into some level of intimacy.  But there was no response to it from her.  I was a bit put off but it wasn't too disheartening.  

On Thursday night I had a great time playing Catan with Mark, Mike, and Matt.  I got home and shared with Elijah and Simon what a good time it was.  In the morning I was looking forward to sharing with Susie about my night.  I began to share with her but she did not give any response.  I took that as a rejection from her.  (However, I never asked her how her night, which on afterthought is exactly how I should have started the conversation.  Doh!!)  

Moments later she went into the bedroom and I was in the kitchen with Mihika and Esther.  The three of us were eating breakfast and I starting to feel disregulated.  

Mihika and Esther were eating hard boiled eggs.  After they finished I had them wipe off their hands.  Mihika missed a spot and I told her a couple more times to clean her hands.  She kept wiping the back of her hand and not the part of her hand that was actually dirty with yucky yellow egg yolk.  For some reason I don't fully understand, that made me feel anger to such an extent that I was pacing and rubbing my head.  I wanted to cry but the tear wouldn't come.  I stomped down the hallway.  I stomped back.  I flicked Mihika on her had with my full strenth and said, "It's right THERE Mihika."  At first she didn't feel it be then she started to cry.  I had hurt her.  Intentinally.  Out of anger.  Esther notice too.  In fact a couple days later Esther asked me if I remember 'slapping' Mihika on the hand.  I said yes I did rememeber.  That I made a mistake.  And even moms and dads make mistakes sometimes.  I told her, I think, that I was sorry and that shouldn't have done it.  That it is like when she hits Simon when she is angry.  

I really am not sure where that anger came from.  It hard to have a kind curiosity about that when I did something so mean to Mihika who was so helpless and defenseless.  However, it will be good to itentify where that anger is coming from.  

As she sat there wiping her hand more and more as I told her to clean herself but she was doing it wrong I got more and more mad with every wipe.  I wanted to yell at her.  I was so frustrated that she couldn't figure it out.  She's 16 years old afterall.

Where was Susie when I needed to share my frustration when I needed it so badly in that moment.  She wasn't present.  She wasn't avaible.  She for sure wasn't attuning to me.  

So, maybe that's the origin of the anger.  Where was my family when I was angry.  Were they present, available, attuned.  I don't remember then not being present.  I don't remember when I got angry.  Although I can feel it somewhere.  I have memories of being angry, but I can't place it.  Was it anger at Dana.  Was it anger at dad for not being adequate.  

I remember once at Camp Mo-Val a kid grabbed Stephanie's breast.  That made me angry.  Surprisingly angry.  She was close to me and that kids violated her without earning any right to that kinds of intamcy.  

I remember anger on the tennis courts at SBU playing with Becky, Tara, and Shane.  There was a lot of anger those nights.  Embarrising anger.  I had worked so hard and played so much tennis and there I was being beaten by an unathletic girl and Shane, a very femine guy.  I let myself down.  My skills let me down.  

I got mad a Jesse for taking my $50 and winning the fatasy league again.  That is such an injustice.  

Injustice.  It's not fair to me.  I deserve more.  I deserve to win the tennis match.  I deserve to get my money back from Jesse.  I deserve to be intimate with Stephanie.  I deserve to have a daughter that can clearn off her own hand.  I deserve to have to attention of my wife when I have experienced something that meant a lot to me.  

I deserve to have a family that doesn't have to pinch pennies.  I deserve to be smarter.  I deserve a dad that makes more money so I can have nice toys like my friends.  I deserve to feel like I am an adult and not just a little kid.  I deserve to live in a place where I enjoy my life and not be pulled from everything that I enjoy and am familiar with.  I deserve to play on the Shamrock basketball team and enjoy the praise of the town.  I deserve to..

And I really realize that I don't deserve any of thise.  But I do grieve not having it.  I do feel sad, and frustrated and angry that I don't have all I desire.  

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