Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Today should be the last day of school.  We have just two and a half to go.   I am not in a good place emotionally these days.  I have a feeling of not wanting to spend time around others.  That makes it very difficult to enjoy my students... as there are about 80 'others' i have to be around.  Tomorrow I am going to work for Irfon on a couple projects and it will be so nice to be away from it all and just do the work.  There is a command that I have to hold over my students to keep them behaving the way I want them to.  It is a very unpleasant relationship.  Like I have spent all this energy gaining their favor and now I'm spending the currency here in these last days.  I don't like this transactional relationship.   I don't have any jobs lined up after today.  That's a bit of a relief as I can focus on tasks that I want to accomplish around the house.  And there are plenty to take care of before our trip....

 Anna has been talking to her friend Sophia a lot recently about the struggles her parents are having in their marriage and that they will likely be getting a divorce.  Hearing Anna and Simon talk about how they feel bad about Sophie and the disappointment they have toward her parents makes me want to prevent Susie and my relationship from continuing to drift apart.   So, maybe I need to look for an opportunity to say some things to Susie.   The thought of having an honest conversation with Susie makes me worry that she will say some things that make me sad and make me feel contempt toward myself.   ... It's funny how I project my feelings of contempt toward myself to the feelings that I think Susie has toward me.  She may not have contempt for me but since I have contempt for myself I have been projecting my feeling of self-contempt on Susie.  How strange our mind works.   Anyway, some of the things I want to say to Susie incl...

 I am experiencing tightness in my neck tonight and I'm not sure why.   I have been at a training for the last two school days and am returning to the classroom tomorrow.  I have learned a lot from the training but I also know that it will still be going back to the day in day out grind of being in the classroom.   But, just 13 1/2 more days.  That's not much at all.  Get through this week and it will be getting close to the single digits.  After tomorrow, a bakers dozen.   So, that does relieve some stress.   Maybe the stress if coming from the handyman work I have been doing.  Especially the rush job that I did the last two days over my lunch break.  I figure I need to alot a good hour and a half for a swamp cooler set up.  Then if anything goes wrong I need to just do my usual $30 per hour rate.  All looked well, but I may need to go back by on Saturday.  And, speaking of, I will need to play an...

 Last Friday night we had the men's night at Zephan's house.  It was just three of us.  Zephan, Taylor, and me.  I wasn't planning on staying any time at all.  But I couldn't resist the converstaion with Katie and Silas, and Zeph offered me a Modelo, which was so smooth.   We had a nice conversation.  Much more discussion about faith and religion than usual.  It was like it was meant to be for me.   Earlier that week Susie and I were at a disconnect.  I was feeling a lot of self doubt on Monday and Tuesday, then even lower on Wednesday.  And a real disconnect from Susie.  Then Thursday and Friday was a bit better.  Saturday I was feeling good while I worked.  When I came home I felt Susie was distancing from me.  Same thing Sunday morning but then she seemed to be stabilized during church and the afternoon was good.   Anyway, during those tough few days I found out I would be going to the math...

 This year I am really dragging to the end.  I thought I would be motivated to get to the end because I like the project that they are working on, but it's not.  It's a real drag.  The thing is that they seem to be shutting down.  Like there is no more work to do.  It is hard to figure out what it is.  They are doing iReady and so it may just be that all this testing has dragged them down and made their brain/bodies shut down.  I am finding it hard to have the energy to keep going too.   I have agreed to do handyman work for the next two Saturdays and that is stressing me out a little bit.  It is taking away my time on the weekends to prep for the coming week.  What makes it hard is that I am committed to doing no school work on Sunday.  This has been really nice, but it has also made me cram all my work into the other 6 days and with track and table tennis, plus the repair man work it is feeling pretty overwhelming. ...

 I got home and Susie had dinner made.  I was tired and wanted to sit down.   Susie was sharing about various things with me about what she did, where she went, what she took take of.  It was a lot to listen to.  It really took some focus.  I was focused, for the most part.  I tried at least.  But I missed a couple parts.  I mean my attention drifted on a few things she was saying.  I wanted to listen so bad but I just couldn't keep the focus.  I was distracted because I wanted a drink of water.  I was distracted because I needed a fork.  I could tell my mind was wondering because I was paying attention to that stuff and not so much on what she was saying.   As I was eating I remember that she said something about buying flowers.  I couldn't remember the details so I asked her about it.  She said to not worry about it.  That it wasn't important.  But I was listening I just was slow to pro...

Marriage.  Our marriage seems to be less contemptuous, which is good.  I react differently to Susie now.  I do not get disregulated so quickly as I once did.  I have learned to read her better and understand that she is going to give me an honest response, not a response that I am seeking.  This is good.  However, there is no reciprocal affection between us.  I am not showing desire for her and she is not showing desire for me.  We are too busy to consider this a priority right now.  At least that is how I feel.  And the emotional demand that Esther and Simon put on us does not allow us space to tend to the needs of our relationship.  Especially since our relationship does not provide any benefits that we can't fillful more quickly and easily by other means.  So, maybe this summer after a session or two more of therapy and a slower, more relaxed pace we can make some efforts to move toward each other.  And then in the fall...