Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Feeling like I have so much to grieve.  Tomorrow I think I'll just start writing and list out a bunch of old girievances.  And try to appropriately grieve them too.  That may take some work.   Was feeling pretty low this am.  I think school it just really tough right now.  Planning for the week and getting my grading done I think helped a lot with getting my mind to a better resting state.  Will be nice to have sabbath tomorrow.   Looking forward to celebraing Anna's birthday with some good food.  14 years she has been with us.  It is feeling like most of my adult life at this point.  How crazy is that!?!  She is such a special person.  Turning into an even more amazing person.  Lord, keep her on a path through abundant life with you.   Oh God, be my anchor.  Amen.  

 So, it's pretty clear now that Susie does not have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with me.   ... Man, when I type out those words it does make it hurt in a new way.  I have said it in my mind.  I have heard Susie say it.  I have said it to other people.  But, typing it out hurts in a new way.   It's a bummer.  I grieve.  I miss going out to dinner and just enjoying each other's company.  Or at least just getting away from it all with her.  I don't think our dates to get away from the busyness of family was ever that romantic.   (I have notes but I'm afraid I misplaced them so I have to try to do most of this from memory.) Scott asked what we want to get out of the meeting.  I shared that I don't want Susie to have distain toward me.  That I want to know if this relationship is going to work out or not and if not then I want to move on from it.   Susie said that she entered a covena...

 I asked Scott about his thoughts about Susie and my 1st counseling session: He said didn't see fault coming from one side or the other.  He said it is a dynamic between us that has caused the problems in our marriage.   It's a result of our past.   Change is going to be slow.   I need to understand that we are impacted in different ways and we are impacted by different things.  He said that the one thing he wants me to hear is that I have to have an anchor.  Something that when I'm around her I can hold on to so that I don't get so disregulated by here mere presence.   There are three ways that I experience life: - The mind - The body - The soul  My experience is about 20% mind and the rest is body and some soul.  But I have to be able to speak into my body from my mind so that I don't get so disregulated. He said my body and my soul are attached to her  - I have to find and practice ways to calm my body and sou...

 It's getting to be an old story.  Spending the holidays essentially alone.  No special moments with Susie.  I miss it.  I don't get any indication from Susie that she has any interest in things turning around.   Scott says I need an anchor.  I don't know how to access that.  The closest I can get to understanding that is to get pissed off at God and be thankful that God is not then going to completely abandon me.   Things are ok overall.  But the main thing is Susie and without that nothing really seems completely right.   I just want to be with her and that to be easy.  But she's un approachable.  She will not break.  I'm speaking a different language than she is able to hear.   There just seems to be no remedy in sight.  It definitely was a bummer of a Valentine's Day.  

 Went skiing with Simon today at Sipapu.  We went our separate ways toward the start but spent most of the day together.  It was good.  I had to be intentional about staying with him and spending time with him.  That was the better way to do it though.  On the drive there and home we didn't talk any but we did talk a little on the slopes. Elijah suggested it and I feel it.  I need to take him out and talk with him.  Just talk to talk.  And for him to feel like he is really listened to.   Susie placed the grief journal in my drawer.  I'm glad she did it.  But boy was that journal tough to read.  There is certainly some hopelessness there.  I tried to respond to what she told me about Gabe leaving the church but I basically froze.  I tried to be there and to acknowledge her feelings but I missed the mark badly.  I could sense her hurt over it.  She kept bringing it up.  But I didn't say the righ...

 I had a wet dream last night.  This was not like any dream I have had before.   In my dream I was somehow walking or laying next to a man or a boy.  It seems like it might have been Steven Launie.  We both turned to each other and we were rubbing our penises together.  Right away I was climaxing and having a wet dream.  It wasn't that pleasant of a thought and it was surprising to me that I was aroused by this.  I woke up and felt more curious about this and not turned on in the least bit as I remember.   I has been about 6 months since Susie and I have had sex.  I really don't have a sexual draw to her for the most part because this is not a  thought that I even bother to entertain.  It is just not going to happen.   The other night I got a text from her after Esther had been in bed and I was very much aroused because I thought maybe she was going to ask if I would like to have sex.  It was about some...