7th meeting with Scott, Friday, February 11th

 I asked Scott about his thoughts about Susie and my 1st counseling session:

He said didn't see fault coming from one side or the other.  He said it is a dynamic between us that has caused the problems in our marriage.  

It's a result of our past.  

Change is going to be slow.  

I need to understand that we are impacted in different ways and we are impacted by different things. 

He said that the one thing he wants me to hear is that I have to have an anchor.  Something that when I'm around her I can hold on to so that I don't get so disregulated by here mere presence.  

There are three ways that I experience life:

- The mind

- The body

- The soul 

My experience is about 20% mind and the rest is body and some soul.  But I have to be able to speak into my body from my mind so that I don't get so disregulated.

He said my body and my soul are attached to her 

- I have to find and practice ways to calm my body and soul

Don't expect to get it right every time but my actions do impact her

Grieve that I don't see her well

You can ALWAYS repair (we must believe and have faith that this is true)

I can ask her "Am I hearing you well?"

What does it sound like for her to invite me in?

I can say, It sounds like you're inviting me in but I don't know how to care for you.  

Vulnerability wakes up someone from their ambivolence

Scott said he wants me to get 'so low' that I can take gratitude in her negative emotions

We can't just move on and focus on the positives because We can't just break down the walls because the Tazmanian devil is caged up in our house and we can't just let those emotions loose 

In our relationship the angry parts have not been allowed

In summary:

I find it so hard to just go to that emotional place where I allow myself to feel what the session was like and talk about that.  It is much easier to copy down my notes, but I have to engage my soul and my feelings and my body in this too.  So, how did I feel during the meeting?  It feels so foreign to try to understand what Susie is feeling.  It feels so overwhelming.  Scott says when she walls up that is when I need to be vulnerable and reach toward her, but that feels so counter-intutive.  

I am thinking back to that night we stayed at the hotel in Salt Lake City.  I was so sure that she was sneaking out to be with those guys we saw in the lobby.  That she just had to have that sexual outlet with them.  It makes me feel anxious to think that Susie has desire that is not for me.  Such strong and exciting desire.  Desire that I don't get to experience.  Desire that I have pinned up inside me but I can't express.  Desire that I would be able to feel.  To feel something deeply.  But I am denied that and I have not outlet to really feel the feelings inside me that are so strong.  That is what drives me crazy when I think of Susie being with another man, or men.  I want her to have that desire toward me.  I want someone to desire me.  But no one does.  I am desired by no one.  I was counting on my wife to desire me but she doesn't.  I have such a strong desire for Susie and if she won't be able to share a mutual desire, or at least some desire, for me then it's over.  I can't live with someone who has no desire for me.  This has been a hard summary but I think I'm getting at something here.  

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