Birthdays aren't all that great these days either

 Man, what a depressed selfish boy I sound like.  

I'm feeling all this self pity on my birthday.  

I think what really set me off was Susie getting upset with me because Esther wasn't ready as early as she wanted.  It felt like intentional messing up my birthday.  That really frustrated me.  

I have some important people to me in my life, and their birthday wishes meant a lot, but I still feel alone.  I still feel like I'm on my own.  

Last year the Superbowl was on my birthday and it was one of my very best birthdays.  This year I had to teach on the day after my birthday and I was one of the worst I can remember.  

This week especially sucks because Valentines Day is coming too.  That really sucks because it used to be such a special, fun time for me, and I thought it was for Susie too.  But maybe I was fooling myself all the while.  It's hard to believe that is that case, but I think it's true.  

I'm not sure how much I'm dissatified with all this.  My job is lame.   My home life is lame.  I enjoy my kids and I enjoy my co-workers.  But there is a glazed over feeling where I'm just trudging through life with small let ups here and there.  It's a far cry from what I want my life to be.  If feels like something is missing.  

So, that's where I am, at least tonight, as I head into my 49th year of life.  49th year of life.  After this I will have done all the stuff 50 times over my lifetime.  


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