Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Simon said that Susie was in a bad mood this morning and making rude or insenstive or harsh comments to him.  When I was interacting with her this morning and then for the rest of the day she seemed to be in a fine mood.  She actually was having conversation with me.  It felt a little bit like we started making this progress before the Phoenix trip and then the TV incident messed it up.  Now some healing has taken place over the TV incident and things are on the mend to some degree.  Today was actually the first time we laughed together in many months.  As long as I can recall really.   I am planning to contact Rick about meeting to discuss further marriage counseling with he and Vicky.   One thought occured to me today which was that marriage isn't necessarily hard, but it does take work and attention.  In other words, if marriage isn't given priority then it will be more painful.  The married couple must be willing and ...

 They asked us our story.  They noticed that communication in our marriage is a weakness. They asked us if we want to continue to meet to work on our marriage.  I said it is hard to have hope.  I said that I'm feel awful.  I said I want to be loved and that even when I didn't want to be married to Susie I kept going on with our relationship.   She said that because we are in a covenent relationship she will continue to meet.  Out of obligation and with reluctance.   I said that I can't see things changing right away.  That maybe in 4 or 5 years we will be realy to work on our relationship.  Rick said that it can't work that was.  That we have to work on it now.  I said that makes sense due to the situation with the TV that occured after the Arizona trip.   Rick said imagine looking down into a house where two people are sitting alone, and lonely.  They have everything they need to be together and not al...

 Susie didn't love me before, but after this she is going to never be able to trust me again.  I made a judgement call and I made the wrong call.   She said, "It feels like you set me up."  And I can certainly see that.  But I didn't think it would make her so upset.  I feel like an incompetent parent, but at the same time, I feel like with Susie there is no bend in the relationship.  No flexibility.  Just hard and fast rules.   And Simon is very upset about the situation.  I think they had a conversation about Anna getting a TV in her room and mom told Simon there was no way I would allow her to have a TV in her room.  So, I think Simon is confused about this situation.   It is definitely something that is going to linger in this house for some time.  There are forces at work that are bringing us down.  I had the feeling that they did not want to come back home.  This just made any positive feelin...

One summer when I lived in New Haven I answered the phone and there was a woman on the other end.  It was not a familiar voice.  She asked me if I had put an ad in the paper about cutting grass in the summer.  I said no and then the phone call ended. Later on I told my mom about the phone call and she told me that she had put an ad in the paper and was disappointed that I did not take the mowing job.  I told my mom that I didn't know she had done that and how was I supposed to know since she didn't tell me.  It was strange to me that my mom put this ad for me in the paper and I wondered when did this happen.  It felt like there were things in my life going on that I didn't know about but that I should probably be aware of.  I didn't feel too bad about not taking the job but was a little disappointed in myself because of my mom's disappointment in losing this sale that she had almost gotten from the ad she put in the paper.   Later that same s...

 I was in the 6th grade at a basketball tournament in one of the nearby towns.  The tournament was over and we changed out of our basketball uniforms into street clothes.  The team was in a side room or hallway next to the gym.  The basketball floor was visible from where we were, because I remember there was still a game being played on the court.  The team was all changing together as our games were all over and we were getting ready to go home.   My coaches were two young guys that I remember watching play basketball for the high school team.  One coach had black, feathered hair that was the perfect look for the 80s.  He was a nice guys and I thought it was neat that we had such a nice young guy as a coach.  I liked and respected him.  The other coach was a bit more intense and it seems like he would be the one to get onto us more if we needed more of a heavy hand to play or practice harder or better.  He had sandy blond hai...

 This afternoon Susie and I met with Anna at Starbucks to talk about her phone restrictions.  The discussion between her and Susie gets heated very quickly.  Susie reacts with Anna's comments of frustration, defiance, and defeat with more intenstity and it causes Anna to shut down even more.  At one point Susie asked me if she was reacting in an angry way and I said her body language was pretty intense.  She seemed to take it OK and tried to regulate her words more after that.   I tried to initiate conversation and it seemed like Susie was waiting for me to get the conversation going.  I asked something about how her time with Morgan was but my mind was racing and it was actually pretty hard to stay focused on what she was saying because I had my own agenda of where I knew the conversation needed to be going.  We got to that point eventually and were really able to talk about the phone restrictions, about how we are proud of Anna and don'te w...

 Just beginning to tell this story makes me feel a sense of sadness.  Way more sadness than I was expecting.  I'm trying to have a kind curiosity towards this sadness, but I also just want to feel that sadness for a while and try to get used to that feeling so I can compare it to other feelings that come up with I tell this story.   It's probably more helpful to tell the big stories that are part of the overall story, so I'm going to try to somehow give a detailed story and tell the big stories, the over-arching themes of our marriage, at the same time.   One of the themes of our marriage has to be the story of belief.  We started out at a similar place.  Susie's family catholic.  My family UCC.  Neither of us grew up evangelical, but our childhood faith had real meaning.  Then we found a place to really grow in our faith in high school at Southern Baptist Churches.  We loved kids and wanted to have a Christian family....

 God in Heaven, We come to you this morning as your body, the body of Christ,  O God of shalom, we have built up walls to protect ourselves from our enemies, but those walls also shut us off from receiving your love. Break down those walls. Help us to see that the way to your heart is through the reconciliation of our own hearts with our enemies. Bless them and us, that we may come to grow in love for each other and for you, through Jesus Christ. O God in heaven, we have built up walls to protect ourselves from our enemies, and even sometimes from our friends and loved ones, but those walls also shut us off from receiving your love. Break down those walls. Help us to see that the way to your heart is through the reconciliation of our own hearts with others. Bless them and us, that we may come to grow in love for each other and for you, through Jesus Christ. Now hear our individual prayers of confession.  (pause) Thank you for hearing our prayers and beginning the work of ...