Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 What are the deepest desires for our relationship?  To be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.  Rick asked are we will to do what it takes to make it work? Give it our all When feeling rejected by Susie I need to rely on Christ's acceptance of me, not Susie's approval Susie:  desires some who celebrates her, is attuned to her She doesn't want our relationship or another relationship, she has friendships where they understand her and the effort required in our relationship is not worth the benefits that it would provide because they wouldn't be at the level that her friends can already provide for her She feels that we are on two different trains.   To make changes Susie can, "come out of her bunker." "I've been doing the work." To get to the place where she can share things with me, "maybe she can get there one day." Is she willing? It feels hopeless because of all the pain and void between us in years past. Use the practice of paraphrasin...

 Two mothers day presents that I have my mom stand out to me.  This first is a plate that I made out of small ceramic tiles.  It looks like a random design but it isn't.  I made the plate with the intention to say I Love You but that it wouldn't be easily seen.  I remember making it this way because I didn't want her to see the message so clearly.  Like I was hiding it from her, but that I really did feel that way towards her.  It makes me wonder if I was afraid of rejection from her.  Or maybe it was that I wanted her to pursue me and not just give her any easy way to recognize me.  Like she had to make an effort in order for me to feel like she was sincere about her words and actions of caring towards me.   The second present was a mother's day card that said something like, Hi Mom, tell Dad Hi.  I love Dad.  

 The conflict between us could be more about family background than relational conflict.   Scazero genegram, Get copy from Rick, Do with Dana and Eric.  Scazero - "Jesus is in your heart, but grandpa is in your bones." Becoming AWARE of the/my issues,    WORKING on the/my issues. I should come to the conclusion that "I want this to work." Approach the meeting with me taking the lead.  Tell Susie about what I would like the meeting to be about and see what she thinks about that.  And ask her if she feels like there is something, or things, instead that we should discuss when we meet.  I want us to define our relationship (where are we) and come up with a way that we can communicate that with the kids. 

 I dissociate when she has a bad tone with me.  I'm worried more about her tone than the words she is saying to me.  I'm constantly asking is she showing me caring or disdain.   I dissociate as a defense to hear hard things. Possibly?  I'm not entirely sure why I dissociate.   She interprets it as not caring.  Have I shared this with her?   We need to talk because our children need some security.  They are feeling the insecurity.   Susie and I should talk and decide where our relationship is at.  Is it going to be platonic.  Is it going to be a romantic relationship.  Are we going to enter into a different or separate relationship.  We need to know where we are so we can discuss this with our kids.   Family is my most important thing.   When asked if I love Susie and if I want the marriage to return to a romantic relationship I hesitated.   She said that walls can get ...