Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

5/26/2024  During today's sermon Adam showed a picture from his wedding.  He mentioned that he and his wife celebrated their 20th anniversary.  This really hit me in a painful way because that was when our marriage was really falling apart.   I remember calling Pete on that evening  because Susie and I tried to talk things out and it seemed better for a moment and then it wasn't ok anymore.  I don't even remember what was said but it seemed that that was the moment where it seemed like this thing was going south, and pretty fast.   I'm not going to be able to be there for her spiritually.  She's not going to be able to be there for me sexually.  It's just going to look like a very poor version of a marriage or we're (or I'm) going to have to make the difficult decision.   Do I talk to Rich Neely.  Do I suggest that we go talk to Rich together?  Do I try to tough it out?  To turn things around?  It's so ...

Esther graduated kindergarten yesterday.  She was awarded highest GPA, it's kindergarten, but made Simon and Elijah proud.  I say by Anna at the ceremony.  It was an enjoyable family time.  We had menchies after.  I didn't get a good pic of Esther and the family.  I was disappointed but no one else seemed to be.   Mary graduates this Friday.  We will drive down Thursday afternoon and attend graduation Friday morning.  Mary said she is excited and nervous. Understandably so.  For once in her life she will not live in an institution and will be totally on her own.  

 Friday, August 18, 2023 Simon invited some friends from youth group over to hang out.  The group of 6 or so kids were having a great time.  Anna was hanging out with the girls and seemed to be fitting in and having fun.  The girls were sitting on the couch together looking at Anna's yearbook.   At one point the kids ended up in the garage.  Simon and Anna had an exchange of words where Anna whispered under her breath that Simon was body shaming her.  Simon told her to say it in front of everyone and when she did Simon said something strong to her and Anna stormed off.  It turned that nice night into another source of conflict for the two.   Saturday, August 19, 2023 Today Anna attempted suicide by taking 20 pills of 40 mg Prozac.  This describes that experience.   I was eating breakfast and doing school work at the kitchen table.  Anna sat by me and we started talking.  She asked about the status of the Buc...

It will be good to meet with Judy this summer.  Rick and Vicky with Susie too. My anger towards Susie is so strong sometimes.  There is a lot of injustice and sadness inside me over this.   Adam's sermon today about accepting a life a boredom hit home.  He said that we are called to a greater life than what some of us have accepted.  It felt directed at me.  Why?  My life is anything but boring, but I think there is a great deal of dissatisfaction in my life.   I was doing Mika's meds tonight and I realized how disappointing my sex life has been.  We went 16+ years using condoms.  We are going on three years of a sexless marriage.  Staggeringly disappointing.  

It's supposed to be this great season.  Summer break.  But navigating with Susie around is tough.  She is refusing to meet with me.  But I want some feedback from her.  How much does she need me around?  Should I spend half my summer at Mark's?  Just come home when she's working?   And what about this weird relationship between her and her cousin. Slapping her on the butt?  Giving her a huge hug after the lift?  It makes sense and then again it doesn't make sense.   I'm just at a loss for the most part.  In my career.  In my relationships.  In my spiritual life.   Journaling helps.  Thank God for journaling.