Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Summer camp at Mo-Val before my freshman year was truly a turning moment in my life.   Attending with Chris Thiel was a reminder that I was not a popular or special kid during my middle school years.  In fact my self image during that time was pretty poor.  I was a good looking, strong kid.  But I think I was also bound by the sexual images and longings that I had pent up inside me.  And I didn't know how to stand up for myself and was somewhat of a target for other kids' ridicule, like Chris Theil.  So, there I was on the first day of camp.  Sitting at the side of the swimming pool with Chris right there next to me.  Low and behold Heather Tidwell came over and sat down next to me and showed interest in me, even more than Chris Thele.   Then there was Brent Price.  The seemingly cool kid at camp.  But I wasn't try to befriend him, he was pursuing me.  And he was actually nice to me and looked at me as though he...

A thought from college keeps coming back to me from the night I went to the dance club in Springfield.  The girl I danced with with the big boobs asked me to come home with her and her friends.  I didn't know how to get home and maybe I was afraid of what might happen, but I didn't go.   The thought of what that night might have been like if I did go with her has been popping into my head recently.   I don't picture what the sex would have been like so much.  It's that feeling of excitement and specifically sexual excitement that I desire and long for.  What that one decision, or reaction really, made me miss out on and how that may have set my life on a course of, frankly, missing out on sexual desire that I have had for so long.   There is much sexual desire for many experiences throughout my formative years.  The longing to relive these experiences point to missing out on the experiences that I have missed out on.  

 I have been doing little storywork on my own lately and the storywork I have been doing has been alone.   I went on the Kolibri cite today and it looks like Scott is taking some time off because he's not available until May or so.  ... So much for marriage counseling this month.  Maybe in the summer though.   Brian and I am supposed to meet soon that will be good.   I think connecting with Rick on Wednesday mornings will be good so maybe I can be intentional about that.   Today on Facebook I saw that Colleen Constable died.  This girl made me feel alive in middle school.  How much paid was she dealing with in her life.  Colleen was known by the boys as the girl with the nice butt.   She was a cheerleader and I was a manager for the basketball team.  I sat in front of her on the bus and she would run her fingers through my hair.  It was like an angel touching my head.  I didn't want her to eve...

 I remember quite a bit about the clothes I used to wear.  I think I had a fairly intimate relationship with my clothes.  This thought has never crossed my mind but I can't help think it's absolutely true.   The earliest item I remember might be the sailor outfit I wore on special occasions and have a cute picture of me wearing when I must have been about 3 or so. But the first shirt I really loved was a orange shirt with purple sleeves with, I believe, a puffy picture of Goofy doing something or other on the shirt.   Another I remember is... oh, my goodness... so many clear memories are coming back.  It's crazy.   The speedos I wore on the Westglen swim team.  Black with blue stripes across the front.  Somehow I didn't feel like a complete fool wearing those speedos.   I remember the Coca-Cola shirt with the blue and green.  I was so embarrased to wear the shirt around my basketball coach in the 6th grade becaus...