Doing Story Work... Alone... the Passing of Colleen Constable

 I have been doing little storywork on my own lately and the storywork I have been doing has been alone.  

I went on the Kolibri cite today and it looks like Scott is taking some time off because he's not available until May or so.  ... So much for marriage counseling this month.  Maybe in the summer though.  

Brian and I am supposed to meet soon that will be good.  

I think connecting with Rick on Wednesday mornings will be good so maybe I can be intentional about that.  

Today on Facebook I saw that Colleen Constable died.  This girl made me feel alive in middle school.  How much paid was she dealing with in her life.  Colleen was known by the boys as the girl with the nice butt.  

She was a cheerleader and I was a manager for the basketball team.  I sat in front of her on the bus and she would run her fingers through my hair.  It was like an angel touching my head.  I didn't want her to ever stop.  It was the most random thing.  I didn't even know she acknowledged my existence before that.  But something gave her the urge to do that.  I was almost nervous that I was being set up.  But in that moment I didn't care this amazing girl was giving pleasure to me and I was just soaking it in.  

I guess I could have pursued it more and seen if she was interested in my, but it seems like that would have spoiled it.  I just wanted to have that moment and not risk losing the idea of her giving me attention.  

Then I sat in front of her in science class in Mr. Murry's class.  Boy was I a jerk to that guy.  He was so kind even though we were so mean to him.  I think I tried to make amends at some point that year or later that year.  I definitely remember telling him that I went to summer camp in Union, where he was from, and that I was from New Haven.  I think that might have turned around the relationship.  Anyway, Colleen sat behind me and if I remember correctly, he would do something to my hair during that class.  I think she touched me somehow anyway, and that also made an impact on me.  I remember smelling my hair during that class and thinking something was wrong with the way my head smelled.  Like my head was sweating or something.  

As difficult as it was to move to Ballwin, there were things that I enjoyed about it.  More than just getting attention from Colleen.  But it was a difficult time for me too.  It seems like I was so sad from the move that I wasn't able to grieve and move on.  I was stuck in that grief all through middle school, at least, and maybe through high school, and maybe even until this very moment.  It was a deep grief and a deep, deep loss that I experienced moving from my home town.  There were deep heartaches in New Haven for sure, but it was also an anchor and where I had planted my stock and planned to flourish within the bounds that aligned with the values of that little ol' place.  I was all set to go head long into that path.  Then my parents ripped me out of the ground and slammed my down in Ballwin with no where to re-root.  I just took what I knew from New Haven and tried to adapt it as best as I could.  In one sense that is what we do in life.  But in another sense I was not able to grieve the loss or talk with my parents to navigate the changes.  

But what sweet, sweet memories I have of Ballwin.  God rest in peace Colleen.