Life Log - Kyle William Nix, February 12, 1976

 Simon seems to be entering a season of despair in his life.  He is struggling to enjoy anything or see the positive sides of things.  His has only negative views toward things.   It is frustrating and draining.  He is taking up attention from the other family members and it feels selfish and unfair.  I'm trying to not have ill feelings toward him but I certainly do.   He is expressing anger toward God but it seems like that is just an easy target for him to direct his anger toward.  He has questions about God's goodness but these are not questions of reason.  They are frustrations with some not easily identifiable grief or loss that he is deeply feeling.   It is making me feeling a bit disregulated that I cannot seem to do anything to help him get relief from his state of despair.  I wonder where that is coming from.   The message I am trying to tell his is that he has unhealthy thoughts in his mind and he ...

 Spring break was about 11 days long including the parent conferences on the Thursday and Friday before break.  Hopefully the students got some well needed rest and are ready to finish the school year on a good note.   It's going to be a flurry of activity as the year wraps up with track, testing, and geometry and stats units.   Spring break was a little disappointing because I wasn't able to accomplish everything I wanted to.  I was going to meet with Pete for a couple nights but that was cancled because he got sick.  Then I was going to get some projects done but several things got in the way.  First I got sick on Monday.  I mean really sick in that I don't think I've felt that bad since I had strep on the 4th of July several years ago.  Then Tuesday I fixed the dishwashers, something that wasn't on my radar.  But even doing that made me tired.  I was able to do a little school work but not any other projects because my ...

 Now David was a very influential person in my life.  Mom didn't realize, or didn't care, or was utterly neglectful, of the kind of things David was up to when we spent time with him.   I remember when he was young he sucked his finger, well, not young really, closer to about 14, 15, 16, so, when he was a teenager really.  I don't remember which finger, but as I recall it wasn't his thumb because it was a different finger than Dana sucked all those years, and I'm almost certain she sucked her thumb.  I think it must have been his pinkie. But I do remember sitting in their extremely cluttered, grungy living room.  David and sometimes Jim or the other boys would lie under the covers and seemed to watch TV all day long.  Though it probably wasn't, I imagine.  They had a few arcade size video games which I thought was very cool.   The harmful memories I have of David are of mostly a passive activity.   One time he watch a PBS ...

 Today was a rough one.  Well, it was more of a tricky one.   The day started out with 1st and 2nd period being engaged very well in the assignment.  3rd period not as much engaged, but then 4th period and 6th period were not enjoying the activity.   Looking back now, I think what I did was to stay with the opening activity for too long.  I was able to get all three rounds done with 1st and 2nd but not with the other classes.   4th and 6th especially could have moved along more quickly, but I'm thinking 3rd threw me off a little bit because of the wide range of learning levels in that class.  Kinda weird.   Then there was the three boys that I had bad interactions with.   First was Dominic Garcia.  He was lost and getting frustrated, probably.  He was off task and I tried to call him out on it.  I said that his behavior was like that of a sped kid.  That got his attention and he didn't like th...

 Susie is in Georgia on a spiritual retreat with Katie Moore.   I told Susie the night before she left that I'm excited for her but that I'm a bit on edge about the trip because the last time she spent time with Katie it turned out to be pretty shitty for me.  I had to elaborate that it was when we had 'that talk'.  God that was a tough night.  A tough weekend.  Oh man it hurt reflecting back on that.   Scott tells me I need to find an anchor.  I have no anchor.  When I hear that God is good or that God is always there for you it makes me mad.  He's only there for me to make things worse than they already were.  The power of God is his ability to disappear when you need help the most.  That's God's greatest power.  That no anchor.  That's a sinker.   So Susie is on this retreat.  She is curious if our new credit cards have come so she calls Elijah to ask.  Why didn't she call me?  I ...

 It was either yesterday or just this morning that I was feeling pretty confident about my stregth to deal with rejection from Susie.  It must have been today because I thought to myself, if she hooks up with another guy tonight while she's out with her friends I would be able to respond in a decent way to that.  Afterall, I am much more attuned to my state of emotions these days and would be able to regulate my reaction and not just seep into deep deep dispare.   Fast forward to this evening a few minutes before Susie left I wanted to tell her to have a good time and enjoy the night.  When I said this to her she responded with Esther is clean so don't let her play outside.  He tone was such that she could as well have said, you smuck.  Why are you even talking to me you loser.  I know you're gunna find some way to screw up my evening so here are some instructions so I am justified to critisize you later.  You are such a burden to my lif...