Pride Cometh Before the Grief

 It was either yesterday or just this morning that I was feeling pretty confident about my stregth to deal with rejection from Susie.  It must have been today because I thought to myself, if she hooks up with another guy tonight while she's out with her friends I would be able to respond in a decent way to that.  Afterall, I am much more attuned to my state of emotions these days and would be able to regulate my reaction and not just seep into deep deep dispare.  

Fast forward to this evening a few minutes before Susie left I wanted to tell her to have a good time and enjoy the night.  When I said this to her she responded with Esther is clean so don't let her play outside.  He tone was such that she could as well have said, you smuck.  Why are you even talking to me you loser.  I know you're gunna find some way to screw up my evening so here are some instructions so I am justified to critisize you later.  You are such a burden to my life.  

That would at least matched the vibe she was putting out toward me.  

And so I felt her disapproval and immediately, I mean immediately, went into full-on self-contempt mode.  

Scott says it's because I feel abondoned by my parents.  I don't know but it certainly did cause a reaction tonight.  

I'm supposed to make myself vulnerable to her without losing myself.  I do not know how to do that.  Especially when she gives my such negative non-verbals that it immediately makes my alarms go off.  

Does she care about this marriage.

I don't think so.  I think she cares about the perception that our children have of us.  But she is indifferent if anything is worked out between us.  And that hurts.  That hurts big time.  I just want to explode.  I'm stuffing it and I just want to explode.  

I have no anchor apparently.  No one wants to talk to me about my pathetic marriage when they just want to think about their toys and their 6-figure paying jobs.  

And here I am, but to my pathetic state of trying to justify my pathetic existance.  

Thanks God.  You suck.  Your creation sucks.  You're an asshole.  If you're even there.  

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