Susie's Retreat - March 7 through March 11

 Susie is in Georgia on a spiritual retreat with Katie Moore.  

I told Susie the night before she left that I'm excited for her but that I'm a bit on edge about the trip because the last time she spent time with Katie it turned out to be pretty shitty for me.  I had to elaborate that it was when we had 'that talk'.  God that was a tough night.  A tough weekend.  Oh man it hurt reflecting back on that.  

Scott tells me I need to find an anchor.  I have no anchor.  When I hear that God is good or that God is always there for you it makes me mad.  He's only there for me to make things worse than they already were.  The power of God is his ability to disappear when you need help the most.  That's God's greatest power.  That no anchor.  That's a sinker.  

So Susie is on this retreat.  She is curious if our new credit cards have come so she calls Elijah to ask.  Why didn't she call me?  I wish I knew.  

But I do know the level of contempt she has toward me is hard to deal with.  Very hard to live with.  I want to find an exit route at times.  I've wanted that for years but have stuffed that shit.  Now when she wants out she showing it and it's devistating.  Just mortifying.  I can't focus on work.  I can barely focus on the kids.  I am trying to keep everything going around here and it is draining any and all joy.  I want to  weep but I don't know how to anymore.  I've been weeping for 6th months straight.  And there's no relief in sight.  How low am I going to go.  


I want to scream in Susie's face at time and then other times I just want her to treat me with kindness.  When is it time to say I'm done.  When is it time to say I'm done.  When is it time to say I'm done???

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