20th anniversary reminder, Adam's final Sunday

5/26/2024

 During today's sermon Adam showed a picture from his wedding.  He mentioned that he and his wife celebrated their 20th anniversary.  This really hit me in a painful way because that was when our marriage was really falling apart.  

I remember calling Pete on that evening  because Susie and I tried to talk things out and it seemed better for a moment and then it wasn't ok anymore.  I don't even remember what was said but it seemed that that was the moment where it seemed like this thing was going south, and pretty fast.  

I'm not going to be able to be there for her spiritually.  She's not going to be able to be there for me sexually.  It's just going to look like a very poor version of a marriage or we're (or I'm) going to have to make the difficult decision.  

Do I talk to Rich Neely.  Do I suggest that we go talk to Rich together?  Do I try to tough it out?  To turn things around?  It's so tough to allow myself to live this way.  To be denied of what I desire so much.  To have an intimate relationship.  Sexually and emotionally.  Can the two of us be intimate?  I can't imagine that it is possible for us to be.  

I meet with Judy in a week and then hopefully shortly after that we will meet with Rick and Vicky.  

It's really feeling like it's going to settle into a long and lonely summer.  

6/2/2024

Another Sunday.  Another bought of anger, sadness, and questioning how much longer I want to stick it out in this marriage.  

Today was Adam's final Sunday.  It was an emotional morning to start with.  I took Mary to the Commission for her summer program and we talked about Adam and her plans for the summer a bit.  (I need to check in on her at least once a week to see how things are going.)  On the drive home I was listening to the Comer podcast and then it dawned on me that he mentioned Brene Brown in his book and I couldn't remember who that was.  I looked her up and immediately remembered how much I liked her TED talks.  So I listened to her talking about Shame and vulnerability and I got emotional from it.  I don't even know what made me so emotional.  I tried to identify what made me cry but I still don't know.  

Then during church the band was really sounding good and picked some good songs to sing.  Then Adam did the baptisms and that was fine.  Then, instead of standing up the Cassandra sang a really powerful song and I started to tear up.  Then when Adam started preaching he was reflecting on his time at Mosaic and it was emotional.  And I wanted to share that moment with Susie and I couldn't.  That made me really sad.  My sadness turned to injustice and anger.  It seemed Anna was getting emotional at one point but I didn't show her any empathy.  Probably not my best move.  But that blaming and anger stuck with me for a good part of the day.  Even during the church picnic it was lingering there for a while.  

Part of me feels like I'm relying on Susie for my emotional regulation, but part of me thinks that I need to be able to cope with this emotional regulation on my own.  If I delt with it on my own I would be more predictable and emotionally stable, but part of me wants to use the emotional needs as a way to feel a closeness to Susie as my wife.  

... I'm not sure what I'm going to talk to Judy about.  Maybe I'll just tell her my current situation and leave it at that.  Yeah, I think that a pretty good approach.  And she can fill in the blanks that I don't explain.  

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