An Unwanted Dream

 I had a wet dream last night.  This was not like any dream I have had before.  

In my dream I was somehow walking or laying next to a man or a boy.  It seems like it might have been Steven Launie.  We both turned to each other and we were rubbing our penises together.  Right away I was climaxing and having a wet dream.  It wasn't that pleasant of a thought and it was surprising to me that I was aroused by this.  I woke up and felt more curious about this and not turned on in the least bit as I remember.  

I has been about 6 months since Susie and I have had sex.  I really don't have a sexual draw to her for the most part because this is not a  thought that I even bother to entertain.  It is just not going to happen.  

The other night I got a text from her after Esther had been in bed and I was very much aroused because I thought maybe she was going to ask if I would like to have sex.  It was about something else, but just the possibility of such a text from her got me aroused immediately.  I guess I really do miss having sex with Susie and I still desire it greatly, even thought I don't sense the desire that often.  

We watched the first part of the DVD we had made with Ruthie, Elijah, and Anna in it.  When I hear the Rob Thomas song that starts Let It Go, i was emotional.  Then as I watch a few pictures of these three kids from a time that seems so very long ago it brought up lots of emotions and I began to weep.  I left the room so I wouldn't disturb the kids and Susie.  I'm very curious about what brought about those emotions.  Was it that I miss that relationship with Susie?  Was it that I miss Elijah and Anna when they were little?  Was it that I still have grieving to do over Ruthie's death?  I've always gotten emotional over Elijah when I think of Ruthie.  He's like my main link to her.  The younger Elijah, and I guess a bit of the older Elijah.  

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