2nd marriage counseling session with Scott and Susie, February 21

 So, it's pretty clear now that Susie does not have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with me.  

... Man, when I type out those words it does make it hurt in a new way.  I have said it in my mind.  I have heard Susie say it.  I have said it to other people.  But, typing it out hurts in a new way.  

It's a bummer.  I grieve.  I miss going out to dinner and just enjoying each other's company.  Or at least just getting away from it all with her.  I don't think our dates to get away from the busyness of family was ever that romantic.  

(I have notes but I'm afraid I misplaced them so I have to try to do most of this from memory.)

Scott asked what we want to get out of the meeting.  I shared that I don't want Susie to have distain toward me.  That I want to know if this relationship is going to work out or not and if not then I want to move on from it.  

Susie said that she entered a covenant and she is going to stay in the marriage even though the desire to do so that is not there.  (Once again, gosh, that is hard to type out.  What a bummer that I am not loved by my wife.)


Scott shared that Susie and I are in a dynamic.  So, this is partly what we have done to ourselves but also party that we are caught up in a dynamic that was established long before our marriage.  

Here is the dynamic as I understand it.  

Susie gets overwhelmed and goes into her cave.  And in there she is screaming in frustration, but from the outside she is very quiet.  

My response is to sense her retreating from me which results in me feeling self-contempt toward myself.  

Then Susie feels obligated to pull me out of my self-contempt so she comes out of her cave before she is ready to.  This causes her to feel distain toward me.  Instead of coming out of her cave early she wants to be rescued out of her cave.  

But when she does come out of her cave before she is rescued she feels distain toward me.

I feel the distain from Susie and her feelings of contempt toward me get even deeper.    

Instead the cycle should be more like this:  

Susie goes into her cave.  

I grieve over this instead of feeling self-contempt.  

Next, Susie has time to experience restoration and eventually she will feel rescued out of her cave.  

Then, I can rejoice that she feels willing to reconnect with me and I can be happy over this but this feeling cannot be my anchor.  I have to have a faith and the strength to not rely on Susie's positive response toward me.  Mayby.  I'm not sure how this part goes.  May, I can be glad that she is back to being in a better state.  

I expressed that I want to be desired by Susie, but desired by anyone really.  That I have had these desires for so long.  They are both sexual and emotional.  I want someone to want me.  I have been relying on Susie to fulfill this desire but that cannot be the case any longer.  I have to be able to rely on my anchor to sustain me when I do not have my desires met.  


... And I masterbated today for the first time in 6th months.  That's kinda wild.  It was not very good.  It was kinda weird in a, oh, I didn't mean to do that and it wasn't that great afterall kind of way.  

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