6th Meeting with Scott, January 6th, 2022

 Met with Scott before school today.  

Meeting started off a little dry then I got pretty emotional toward the end of the meeting.  I didn't see that coming really, but it was good.  The main thing I got from it was that I desire to be wanted and to feel close to Susie.  It has been a while since it has felt that way though.  He also said that after this emotional work that Susie does it may not feel like I'm married to the same person, for good or bad.  (That would be so weird.)  Also, that I should focus on unmet desire when I get angry instead of thinking it as not getting what I think I deserve. 

Here are my notes from the meeting:

I need to repair with Mihika.  She will think she did something wrong.  Ask them eheir sory about hitting Mihika.  Ask her to put into words what happened.  And Esther too.  

There's a lot of not know what is going on leading to confusion.  I need to go to the source to end the confusion.  (To Susie.)

Do I really want to know what is hurting her?  I NEED TO REALLY CONSIDER THIS.


Not listening to Susie is not a moral thing when I tune out but has to be identified.  

That will make connection rather than the disconnection I feel.  

I need to know what I want without demanding it.  

What do I desire?  I feel like people don't think I have much to offer.  

If I am to recieve an embrace from Susie or anyone, it should be for the past connection I/we have felt, and not to receive something in the future.  

Don't talk about whose fault it is, this is not important.


...Typing this now, and considering the question Scott asked, Do I really want to know what's hurting her?  He asked do I really want to know.  My biggest fear is that I will find out, not that it is something I can apologize for and fix, but that she no longer wants a relationship with me and that I will be shut out of her life more and more.  So, do I really want to know.  Fuck it.  Hurt me if I need to be hurt.  Yes, I want to know.  

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