1st marriage counseling session with Susie and Scott - Monday, January 17

 Not a real cheerful time.  We did an exercise where we shared, showed our understanding, then gave feelback.  Scott calls this the H.U.G. activity.  

I was terrible at it.  It doesn't help that I'm so darn self-demeaning and crititcal of myself.  But really, I stumbled over my words so bad.  When I tried to gives words to what Susie said I just fumbled over my words.  It's going to take a lot of time for me to get any good at this.  If I ever will.  

I will share more tomorrow about some of the insights from the session.  The way the Susie walled off during the meeting makes me feel very hopeless, and I feel like I deserve every bit of her coldness toward me.  

Tuesday, January 18 - Texts with Susie today about plans for the weekend got a little confrontational but I think we sorted it out fairly civilized.  I asked if I was assuming something that wasn't there and I think that was the right thing to do because she explained what happened. 

We said a very half hearted goodbye to each other this morning.  Susie said goodbye to me and I delay but eventually did say goodbye to her.  I think it is the affect of the difficult meeting we had with Scott during our first session.  

I think the keys that I took from the meeting is that Susie is hurt because I am not attuned to her.  That she feels we have not had a strong relationship since the early part of our marriage.  That I have often made assumptions about the relationship or about Susie's feelings about things that were not correct.  ... If I had to summarize insights I gained from this first session I think these would be the big ones.  

I will be adding the notes I took down during this meeting in the near future.  

Susie and I closed on the loan for the Ford Flex today.  We sat down at the bank to wait for the meeting and hardly a word was spoken, hardly a movement of acknowledgement was made toward each other.  It was sad, but it is my new normal.  

Scott says my tendency to react to this sadness is with frustration.  However, instead of being sad I should allow myself to stay in the sadness.  That I can handle the sadness and not lose myself in the frustration.  There was a moment during the meeting where I lost myself in the frustration and it pushed Susie further back into her cave of shut off emotions.  

I'm hoping there is some kind of break through at some point but I don't see an opening for this in the near future.  Scott said that here at the beginning it is like trying to build momentum.  That at the beginning someone has to go just and inch to get the momentum going, then some real movement may occur.  But in the mean time the movements will be small and, I guess, probably not very noticable.  

He also said that Susie and I should participate together in some kind of lament activity.  He gave us several suggestions, including going on a walk, but Susie said she is not comfortable in doing that.  I really don't know how to make this thing that we're supposed to do happen with Susie but I'm going to give it a try.  I'll be thinking on it over the next few days and homefully something will come.  

Part of me is already fed up with giving Scott $135 each time we meet.  It's rediculous giving him that kind of money for these conversations.  It's humiliating.  Susie says we're paying for this with our health savings so it's really not costing us anything but I have my doubts.  I don't think that is how it works.  

So, here are the notes from our last meeting.  

Jan. 17.

Susie:  Kyle is not attuned to me.  Kyle is not optimistic.  Susie hasn't felt heard.  

HUG

Hear

Understand - Doesn't mean agree

Giving words - Saying back what was understood, giving words to what was said and how it was said

We have a difficult time holding difficult things said to each other

When I sense a wall it is Susie's cry for need

"I feel more understood but it's going to take more to let my walls down."

When I communicate a grief, Susie feels responsibility for my grief

- Have an outline for lament together

- Have a lament walk

- Because of the life we have chosen Susie complain, I feel self-contempt (sounds like the Enneagram 6)

Susie "Im in my own shelter."

- Susie's cave = closed off, 'wall up'

- Kyle's cave = frustration, self contempt

When I vent it feels like responsibility to her

When she vents, I feel like it's overwhelming and I move toward self-contempt

Susie - can communicate her needs

Something we can do to grieve together - share songs meaningful to me

Some kind of ritual to name the sacred nature of our home where there is a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow

Reading For Carrying Long Sorrow - Read by Scott


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