Easter Sunday, 4/20/2025

 I attended Mosaic once again and it was difficult, once again.  

I want to attend New City Church, but the more I think about going there I am discouraged and not sure I want to go there either.  

It seems I can't escape the presence and reminders of Susie.  Maybe for the next few months the outdoors should be my sanctuary.  Just maybe that is what I should do.  Go to church with Mark on Saturdays, occasionally, and try to see God in the outdoors.  That actually gives me the most peace and comfort.  

Lately when I think about the life that Susie is living and the encounters that I'm missing out with her and my children it literally makes me queasy to my stomach.  My body is trying to tell me something that I don't quite understand. 

But I do know something is bothering me.  

It was 23 years of marriage, plus the three years prior to that of being on again and off again.  So it has been a long, long, long time.  

It will take time to heal this broken heart of mine.  

But I do know one thing now, I don't think I can keep going to Mosaic Church anymore on a regular basis.  As much as I love Shaynor's sermons, and as much as I love some of the people there, and as much as I want to support Elijah by going to a PCA church, I don't think I can go there any more.  

That's sad, but the forest seems pretty inviting right now too.   

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