2nd Meeting with Rick and Vicky

 September 25

Now this one was really tough.  

I don't even want to type this.  

Basically, Susie is completely checked out of any feelings for me.  The only feelings she has towards me are feelings of contempt.  

Apparently, Rick thinks Susie needs to repent in order to deal with these feelings.  

There is not progress.  We're just going to wait and see if I can change.  Which I can only change so much.  And Susie is a moving target so what am I changing for anyways.  

I'm a small man.  That is in over his head.  I'm thankful for the people I can be with at Mosaic, but I feel like I have to keep up to a certain standard in order to keep those relationships.  If I did what I really want to do, which is go see if Sarah Smith would have sex with me, then it would end those relationships.  

So, I'll get it down though.  Because maybe it will eventually be helpful.  

Rick said the children alone are enough reason to stay in this relationship.  

Susie said she was just there to listen and she couldn't really engage.

Rick had us both acknowledge that we were both hurting.  

Susie said she acknowledged that I'm hurting.  

I said I didn't really know if she is hurting.  

Susie was surprised that I didn't know she is hurting.  She said that it proves the point that I am not attuned to her.  

Skills I need to work on:

Communication - especially listening skills

Conflict resolution

Family and friends


Skills Susie needs to work on:

Conflict resolution


Rick led us in prayer and we took 20 minutes of quiet time to see what God is saying to us.

My list:

- Give Susie time and space (release her)

- My effort to pursue God must be sincere Song came to mind:  I'm not doing well, I turn to you God.  The Turn to you God part is very difficult for me.  

- I need to have a leadership mindset with kids

- Be honest - "I feel contempt from Susie"

- I need realistic expectations of our marriage

- Get out in it - I need to pursue the things that bring me to life.  Nature/ Handyman work

- Pursue Susie/ Understand Susie


Susie's list:

She cannot work on our marriage at this time, (That was painful to hear, that was the part where I had to step away and wash my hands in the sink and stare out the window, and sit in that pain)


I later expresses that with 4 kids it was manageable but I blame Susie for adopting Mary and having Esther.  

Vicky tried to explain something to me about feeling the emotions but I did not understand what she was trying to say.  

Rick asked what the one thing we can do is.  

The only thing we came up with is that we can continue to meet.  Me with Rick.  And Susie with Vicky.  

I might suggest to Rick that Vicki meet with us some time because I do not understand her and I don't know if she understands me.  

September 29

This has been a difficult week.  Wednesday morning on the drive to work I was feeling a lot of anger.  I guess towards Susie, but about the situation in general.  I was shouting, and crying, in the car.  On top of that I wasn't feeling well.  I've had diarrhea off and on this week.  Some movements have been absolutely disgusting.  

She told me Monday or Tuesday morning that she wants Esther dressed by 6:45 am.  It was a little after 7 and Esther wasn't ready.  I gave her the coldest, quietest affirmation I could muster to her response.  

Early in the week I was imagining what woman I would most want to be with after Susie and I separate.  It was like I had to make pursuing my next relationship one of my very top priorities.  What does that say about me?  It's crazy to imagine how my twisted mind works.  

Then today she texted me about things going on with the kids.  Her tone was more friendly, I guess.  She shared with me that she couldn't imagine being on the submarine like Joel does.  Not a huge deal, but she did share her thoughts with me.  I had some lame ass response like, Yeah, crazy.  And he actually misses it.  .,, Or something stupid like that.  Do I have no passion about anything?!  Lame-o.  

I shared this with Rick and Pete and they both said the same thing.  Don't tell susie about your anger, you should journal about it.  So, here I am.  


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