My little "t" trauma

 Maybe my little traumas really did have a big impact of who I am today.

I'd like to think I'm above my little t traumas, but not one really can be above any trauma.  Your mind and body respond the way it's going to respond.  

My little t traumas have not allowed to me feel my feelings.  To express what is going on with me.  When Susie is talking to me I don't feel what she is telling me.  My reaction to her talking to me gets in the way of feeling what she is saying to me.  Instead I'm trying to listen and not interpret her words wrong.  I think it's cause I didn't have that much practice sharing what I was feeling.  

It was more like I was quiet so I could get what I wanted and since I wasn't loud like Dana I was never looked at like I was the burden.  Instead I was the one that they saw as the easy one.  The good one.  I guess I got attention for being good at sports so I got attention.  I wanted to be on that court or the field or the track getting attention from my classmates or anyone else who would recognize me.  

My dad was there.  My grandparents were there.  I had to perform for them and I did.  I enjoyed performing for them and having that feeling of complete acceptance and support.  But there wasn't dialogue about how I felt.  Maybe they didn't engage me, or maybe I rejected their engagement of me.  I'm not sure which one it was.

Dana sure did get the attention though.  Maybe she was crying out for it.  Or maybe she just didn't know what to do with the hurt she had about not feeling good about who she was.  

I don't remember feeling down on myself.  I remember not wanting to receive my mom's love and affection.  Man did I fight her love and affection.  I wanted to receive her love and affection but for some reason I resisted it.  I feel the tenseness as I share that.  Yet I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe it was that little t trauma that made me feel that way toward her.  Maybe it was the quiet nights that I waited and waited until I heard her come into the house.  Then know that she was home was soothing enough to me so that I could rest.  Or maybe it was neglect from when I was a toddler.  It's so hard to remember anything from that time, but I do remember sitting in the living room on dark evenings with the blinds closed and the blue light of the TV glowing.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Birthdays aren't all that great these days either

 Man, what a depressed selfish boy I sound like.   I'm feeling all this self pity on my birthday.   I think what really set me off was Susie getting upset with me because Esther wasn't ready as early as she wanted.  It felt like intentional messing up my birthday.  That really frustrated me.   I have some important people to me in my life, and their birthday wishes meant a lot, but I still feel alone.  I still feel like I'm on my own.   Last year the Superbowl was on my birthday and it was one of my very best birthdays.  This year I had to teach on the day after my birthday and I was one of the worst I can remember.   This week especially sucks because Valentines Day is coming too.  That really sucks because it used to be such a special, fun time for me, and I thought it was for Susie too.  But maybe I was fooling myself all the while.  It's hard to believe that is that case, but I think it's true....
Read more

Jr. High Bullying

 In the 8th grade I was bullied by Cory.  I can't remember the kids last name.  I would stand there at my locker and he would shove my back and I would bump into my locker.   It seems like the first time he did it it was an act of endurement.  Like playing around with one of your buddies.  But after a few times it got old.  He would look back at me with his hair flip in his blonde hair, seemingly to make sure that I knew it was him that pushed me.  It went from enduring, to annoying, to bullying, to daily trauma.  I set up a punching bag in my basement.  I found some martial arts magazines and started to practice some moves.  I grew a fear of confronting him.   I tried to just hope away the problem but it wouldn't go away.  I grew more and more weary of him doing this to me and I tried to come up with a scheme to get him to stop doing it.  Often there was an administrator at the end of the hallway watching o...
Read more

Trip to Gerald - May 26 to June 3, 2021

Wed, May 26         heyooooooooooo Abq to Tucumcari 2:40, 186 mi to Amarillo 1:41, 113 mi to Sayre 1:57, 132 mi to OKC 1:54, 129 mi to McD 2:25, 167 mi to Spfd 2:05, 132 mi to Gerald 2:34 163 arrived! We left at 6:03 am, almost on time. Elijah wanted to make oatmeal before leaving. The driving was very smooth and easy. Elijah commented about the time going by quickly. And it did. Compared to the trip in Nov. 2020, the van made much better time. We averaged about 80, the scion averaged about 70! Elijah and I listened to Rachel Held Evans. He was diggin' it. It gave him a story to relate to. Though I don't think it strengthened his Christian faith. But, overall I think it was good thing for him to hear. We talked less than I would have liked, but we did talk some. I was able to speak to him about the value of putting yourself in a position to make money if there comes a time that you need or want to. That he should pursue writing, but that this is a good ti...
Read more