A Tough Week

 This has been a tough week.  October 3rd through 9th.  

I'm getting weepy as I type this now.  

I think it started last week when Rick brought up the fact, a couple or three times actually, that it must be painful to feel the contempt that Susie has for me.  

I told him that it is painful.  And that I have grieved over it.  It did make me sad while we were meeting.  But it wasn't until that night or the next day that it started to really sink in.  Then the realization of her contempt toward me hit me and I have been thinking about that a lot since then.  

On Wednesday I texted Pete and said I'm so sick of this marriage.  So that was definitely a low point.

On Thursday I talked to Elijah about us.  I said it weird cause it in our control but it's also not in our control.  He said from talking to mom she hasn't said that much.  But he told me that he gave some indication that wasn't good.  ... I can't remember it now.  Dang it!  But I told him that we aren't doing well.  He said that he wants us to keep working at it.  It was encouraging for me to hear that from him.  

I was feeling sad about our marriage on Friday morning and then when Simon told me that mom and him had talked about driving around to see the balloons with Esther it was hurtful because that's something we've pretty much always done together.  

Then on Saturday it was OK when we were at the baseball game together.  She just doesn't put out any type of care toward me.  There isn't contempt on the surface but I sense it is there.  

Then on Sunday before church I was really feeling down.  Then when I showed up to church I heard from Simon and Joel that Susie made plans to go to the zoo with some other families.  Usually she would include me but this time she didn't mention it.  

The combination of that and the balloon fiesta incident makes me get the feeling that she pulling away even more, and now with the kids.  Not that I even wanted to go to the zoo but the idea that she's planning stuff with the kids without including me seems to be a new level or separation between us.  

Tomorrow I meet with Rick.  These meeting are wonderful but this really isn't getting anywhere.  In fact it getting worse.  

I've thought about trying to hook up with Ms. Sears or Ms. Smith.  Not that that would be healthy for me or them at all, but it's a way to escape the situation in my mind.  

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