Meeting with Susie, Adam, and Heather

 The meeting is supposed to take place next Thursday the 29th.  

My big question is will we make progress or will it be a concrete first step toward separating.  

A lot weighs in the balance.  It's like, 20 years in the making and it all comes down to this.  Will Nix make these clutch free throws, er, emotional statements.  I don't want to worry about choking in the clutch, but it's hard to not imagine what will happen if I choke and come up short.  ... And yes, it partly does feel like I'll be putting on a performance for Susie.  

Notes to Adam:

Hey Adam just two things I think I would like to communicate.

1. How will we be able to find common ground in our faith?  And not feel like we are at odds?  Can we get there?

2. This past two years has been painful, often to the point where I was hardly able to function, yet it has been a release to admit that something had not been right with our marriage

3.. I would like to read this to her, and she can see it beforehand too, but I would like to read it when we meet.  It's a technique the therapist showed me.  It's call the I statements.

I notice, that you're not wearing your wedding ring

I assume, that it has something to do with your feelings about our relationship, and about me,

I think, that you might already have made up your mind about our marriage, 

I resent, this because I have tried to give my life to supporting this family and put parts of my life to the side to get through 

I am hurt that my sacrifices seem to go unnoticed, but it seems you instead see me as a weak individual because of how I tried to make things work to support the family, and you

I worry about what it's going to be like to live two separate lives and the confusion that this disruption would cause our children, mainly Esther, because I know she's already confused over our relationship

I want, to continue to change, grow, and become a strong, independent person again that my children and you can learn to respect, appreciate, and enjoy

I appreciate, the way you have continued to be the emotional support that our children have needed to become healthy, caring people, how you have put your own desires and needs aside to satisfy mine desires for so many disappointing and unfulfilling years

I realize, that you needed me to engage in the emotional and spiritual lives of you and the kids and that I didn't do that, and I realize that my absence has pushed our relationship to the brink of separation, as disturbing as that might be

I hope. that my efforts are a sign that there is hope for me and you to better understand where we are and where you and I, and this family, is headed, and if you're willing to continue to work on our marriage, I hope I have the audacity to give my best effort to give us the best shot that I can.  

July 5, 2023

I have a growing suspicion that Susie is playing a game with me.  It almost makes me nauseous to think about.  I'm suspicious that she is trying to bring me to the point of saying I want a divorce.  She treating me in such a way that I won't be able to stay in this relationship from the coldness she shows towards me.  However, I'm not exactly warm towards her, but when she comes home deep in conversation with Elijah before she acknowledges us, that makes it difficult to be warm towards her.  

I want to study her, but I don't want to do that if she doesn't have true intentions or thoughts to restore our marriage.  I need to ask her first before I dive into this.  

I want to review the conversation we had with Heather and Adam, but right now it's too painful to try to reflect on.  My day was so good, but then she came home and seemed to put up a wall.  

July 10, 2023

While it's still painful to reflect on that meeting, I was able to talk about it with Pete this past weekend when we hiked the East Mount Baldy trail.  Talking to someone else about it makes it less painful.  

I should start with the response Susie sent to Adam, then I can reflect on the meeting.  I received this via Adam from Susie on the night before our meeting, but I didn't read it until the morning of, I was worried that if I read it I would find out that she was separating from me.  That would lead to a bad night sleep, to say the least.  I read this while walking on Thursday morning as I was preparing for Baldy.  

We drove to the meeting separately.  I told Susie I had an errand to run, but that was not the main reason we drove separately.  I was worried that riding in the car together would be difficult.  

I arrived first.  I shared some pleasantries with Adam and Heather.  Susie came and Adam got us started.  He laid some ground rules.  The time for 50 minutes.  Then I read my 10 statements.  I read them as though they were old news.  Familiar and obvious.  I read them knowing the real conversation, at lease the difficult conversation lies ahead.  Then I was finished.  

At this point it becomes difficult to remember the sequence of the conversation, but I'll try to place the parts I remember in the order I think that they came.  

Heather said that in a marriage there are three stages.  Recognizing the marriage isn't what you wished for, what you thought it would be.  Grieving (or mourning) that realization.  Then learning to accept and love the person for who they are.  

We talked a good deal about doubts that have been present since even before the marriage.  I said that I had second thoughts about the marriage from the start.  But I also said that I wouldn't change what we have had because of the home we have made and especially the children that we have.  

She said she knows I would love to go live on my parents farm in Missouri.  

Susie said that I'm... I don't remember the words... tuned out and that she's had to slow down for me and she doesn't want to do that anymore.  

That I tune out and am unaware.  Heather said that that is no ones fault.  It could be generational.  That I shouldn't feel shame about it.  

Susie said I just don't find him attractive.  

To conclude Adam told Susie that she should focus on kindness.  

Adam said I should focus on... something I  don't remember exactly.  (I should have been taking notes.)