Initial meeting with Pastor Rick

 Rick encouraged me to read 5 minutes of Gentle and Lowly each day so that I can see more and more how God views me.  That he cares for me.  That I am special because I am special to Him.  

I certainly don't feel that way tonight.  The kids were all busy or out.  Esther was asleep.  Susie came to me while I was putting up the backyard lights.  I guess I looked busy because she said, well, I guess I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired and there nothing else to do.  

I froze.  That hit me wrong and I didn't react to it well.  I wasn't paying attention to my feeling, my body when I should have been.  My body was saying to me that I was the reason that she should stay up.  But, maybe that wasn't a reason to her.  I wish I would have said, stay up with me and let's hang out and talk.  But that would have crushed me to be denied by her.  I really don't even want to talk.  I just want to be with her.  But there it was.  Moment passed.  Desire unmet.  Blame.  Shame.  Distain.  

Rick also said he would like to regularly meet with me.  Which I think is great.  Because meeting with Scott is not going anywhere anymore.  Susie is going to continue to meet with Scott, which drives me crazy jelous but that reveals to me my continued dependence on Susie.  Gosh, my dependence runs deep.  

I'm going to complete the assessment from Rick on Friday.  

He said that in this process I'm going to have to win over Susie.  This is a scary reality because I don't feel that I have it in me to win her over.  I don't have enough to offer her.  Winning her back is a very daunting task.  

I am steep in the state of poverty and am not sure if I'm able to bless it.  But certainly know I want to curse it.  Scott says to bless it.  To do that I have to trust that I'm going to meet God at the bottom of the pit and hopefully learn more about myself.  

Rick said to ask myself who I am.  Explore my story.  Think of a moment from my youth when I enjoyed what I was doing and try to think about what that moment tells me about myself.  

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