Checking In

 Tonight the phrase running through my head is I can't keep going on like this.  Something has to change.  

Oh, things are changing alright.  But it feels like I'm driving down interstate 40 in the winter of 2000, in an ice storm.  That's what it feels like.  She was able to meet my every need.  And it still wasn't enough.  I had to leave because I realized it wasn't enough.  

It's like I'm in a nightmare.  Whenever I think about my marriage I am jolted by the pain and shock of the dream.  Except when I come to my senses, the nightmare isn't over, the truth of the situation hits me even harder and my feeling of despair sinks even deeper.  

I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep here for too much longer.  The anxiety of being around her is to much.  I'm seeking God but God just isn't enough to calm this pain.  

I'm trying to change but that process feels too slow and I don't feel like I can bear the pain while I try to make the changes that I desire and I know I want to make.  

I am a shell of a person and everyone around me knows it.  Everyone except Simon and Esther.  And maybe Anna.  But I feel it when I walk down the hallway of my school.  

I think a dramatic change is needed.  I don't enjoy what I'm doing with my life.  I need to change it all.  But what will that look like as I go into the future.  This is where I can begin to pray about.  


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