Another Tough Day in A Marriage Gone Bad

 It started yesterday when I told Susie I would like to start spending 30 minutes with her each week.  Just replied that she wasn't ready for that, that she wasn't in a place that she wanted to do that.  I was bummed when I got her response, but it didn't hit me until later in the day that I was pretty sad about it.  Then in the morning it was really bothering me.  I was trying to do my Friday morning prayer time and I could not focus.  I couldn't get her response out of my head.  So, I told her that morning how I was feeling.  I said I was sad and angry because of her response.  

Later in the morning I received a text from her that was a bunch of screen shots of a conversation she had with Vicky.  It expressed how she felt like she needed to escape.  That the thought of spending time with me made her feel like she couldn't handle the situation.  

I get it.  I'm a goddam looser, but she's patially responsible for putting me in this little box that I'm in.  It wasn't me that had all these crazy ideas of having a million children. 

After that we both shared words of regret over getting married.  Pretty honest stuff. 

It does make me feel like a big looser but at least I know what I'm dealing with.  She says this has been there for years and I want to know how long.  But, I don't think that is helpful.  I think we just need to try to move on.  It's not going to know how much she has disliked me in the past.  Just that she dislikes me not and where that feeling is getting stronger or if she is feeling differently towards me.  

I have much unmet desire.  I am letting my life rot away if this doesn't change.  

I can't imagine how to make this right considering the needs of the kids, but I do want to have a good life and not a life that is filled with regret and pain.  

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