A Good Boy

 Mother said keep your pants zipped up, and that's what I did.  

I never made the first move.  Well, maybe when I kissed Heather Tidwell after getting harassed all week by her friends to kiss her.  And with Amy Colie, after I was harrassed for months by her friends to kiss her.  Boy, she waited and waited.  I just couldn't make the move and risk looking foolish or being rejected I guess... I don't know why I waited so long.  

Maybe it was because mom said keep your pants zipped up.  That was the message.  Stuff those feelings.  You may have desires from looking at pornography since you were a young boy, but don't risk having sex and getting a girl pregnant.  So, I was a good boy and listened to mother.  

Even with Noel, she must have made the first move because I don't remember stressing about it.  I remember when she first grabbed my penis.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  To be frank, I didn't even really know that was a thing.  I thought you had to have sex to have sex.  You know, intercourse.  But I quickly found out that isn't true.  So then once the gates were open, well, let the sex begin.  

I don't remember the first time kissing Sarah.  I imagine we were on her swing.  Or maybe I was saying goodbye and gave her a small kill before leaving.  I do remember grabbing her butt and getting rejected.  That was a tough night.  I was looking forward to getting some sex and it definitely didn't happen.  

Then there was Susie.  I kissed her listening to Michael W. Smith in Topeka.  That was nice.  Like church french kissing.  Safe, but respectful.  Not too much but not too prude.  It was really nice.  Except for the teeth knocking.  

I guess the time with Summer was me taking initiative.  It took some nerve to go to the dance club.  It took some nerve to press up against those girls on the dance floor.  It took a little nerve to go to her place.  It took some nerve to leave the movie theater and take her to Wakonda.  Why she trusted me to do that was her poor decision, but thankfully I'm not a psycho.  

But the second time around with Susie, it was Susie.  She asked me to come to the bedroom at the lion's den cabin.  She was the one to pull me up onto the bed.  She was the one to climb on top of me and rub her vagina right on my penis.  That was her.  It was awesome.  But that was her.  

But the times I missed out make me feel like a coward.  The time I DIDN"T go home with the girl with the big boobs after a night at the dance club.  This time I didn't kiss Heather or Amy earlier in our dating.  The time I didn't take off Susie's shirt and grab and kiss her breasts.  

The time I didn't hook up with the girl that Eric knew from high school after we met online.  

The time I didn't hook up with the hot girl during the Florida trip in high school.  

The time I didn't drink with my friends at the hotel.  

The time I didn't feel up Stacy Mumford after homecoming. 

The time I didn't make out with Michelle in her swimming pool when she was pursuing me hard.  

Am I a good boy because of what mother said.  Or am I a coward for not allowing myself to feel my feeling.  

The time I didn't text Sarah Smith and see if I could hook up with her, when my marriage was clearly coming to an utter failure and my wife hasn't had sex with me in over a year.  ... What is that story going to look like?

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