Thanksgiving Week, 2021

 This week had its fair share of ups and downs.  For me it all revolves around the way Susie is attuned to me.  It is too bad that I can't be more independent and not let that have such an affect on me, but it does.  

It makes me feel like a real loser when she treats me like I should not be affected by the way she treats me.  In my mind, it definitely should affect the way I feel because this relationship is really important to me.  When she doesn't treat my feelings about our relationship as important it makes me think that she thinks our relationship is not important.  And that hurts.  I want her to put value and importance in our relationship.  And that means putting some thought into how she can work toward restoring our relationship.  I can't see how she is putting any effort into doing that though.  And it hurst so bad that she does do that.  

After cutting down the Christmas tree, setting up Christimas decorations, a nice Thanksgiving meal and good converstaion, I thought we were getting close again as a couple.  Then she went out with her friends.  I was hoping she would like to be with me but she didn't.  I tried to talk with her on Sunday morning and she didn't seem interesting in talking to me.  And then there was the text she sent back to me after I told her I was feeling dysregulared.  It said, "I'm sorry everything is making your feel bad.  I wish things were not they way they are."  

But on the way to church this morning for set up it just all really got to me.  I was just so stuck in my head.  I was feeling so mad.  It's a feeling where I don't even know if we're going to be able to work this out and stay together so.  And the not knowing is so dang difficult.  I just want to work it out or start the next dang chapter of my life already.  I can't stand this waiting around for her to just see what happens.  It's very difficult to just it with those emotions of not knowing and let her call all the shots and control everything.  

Should I just do something or ask her to hurry the hell up?? Cause just when I think things are starting to go better I get all worked up again.  Definitely still down in the valley.  

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