Holidays are going to Feel Different This Year

 It should be a joyous time of the year as it usually is for me.  But this year it is not.  Susie and my relationship feels like it's in dire straights.  I miss the things that we enjoy doing together.  Talking about gifts to get the kids for Christmas.  Planning for our outing to set up the tree, and our new tradition of cuttings down a tree at the Jemez.  Wrapping presents for the kids and enjoying an intimate night together on Christmas eve.  Some of the activities may happen but the experience of enjoying doing these things together is not there.  It makes me sad.  It makes me grieve.  I don't have a good idea of what is bothering Susie so much, except that when she is around me her mood goes from normal so somber.  

I think I can say to her, "When we're together I get the sense that my presence is causing you to be annoyed or frustrated or at least emotionally draining.  If that's try I want to know even though it is going to hurt to hear it because I don't want to miss what you're feeling if it is something else."  


Susie, you're avoiding me.  You don't seem to want to be around me.  I think I know why but i'm not sure what your feeling.  Are you feeling annoyed, frustrated, drained when I'm around?  Or am I misreading you?

I want to have hope in our relationship but it is hard to have hope.  It is easy to drift into despair.  I did a poor job of seeking out relationship with others today.  I recognized this morning that I should be pursuing relationship but I feel like I'm too draining to others to pursue relationship.  I'll try again to reach out.  I meant to call Steve but it slipped my mind.  



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