The weekend before our 20th anniversary

 Next Sunday will be October 30 & 31, Halloween.  The Wednesday after that will be our 20th wedding anniversary.  We are yet to talk about any plans for our anniversary.  I am going to give her the bracelet I got from Salt Lake City, but I haven't been looking for anything else.  Maybe I'll buy her some 25 pound weights.  

The closer it gets, the more I am thinking that she and I will not be at a point where we will have much enthusiasm to celebrate our relationship.  It makes me sad.  Pretty much to the point of despair.  She doesn't have feelings for me so we have been unable to connect... though come to think of it, I don't know if I have ever really know what it meant to connect with her.  

I also wonder if I have ever really seen her.  I have so often looked at her and felt that I want her or know that I want something from her or want her to be a certain way or not be a certain way.  I want to see her for all the depth that she is and has.  I don't know what that looks like or how that feels but maybe with time and reflection I can figure that out.  

The real test of my resiliance of my feelings about our relationship will take place the weekend after that, which will be November 6th and 7th.  If we don't get something planned my reaction will probably be to dwell on whether Susie will bring up the subject or not.  Maybe I should but I don't have a good feel for it yet.  I meet with Scott on Nov. 2 so maybe after we meet I'll get a better feel for what my move should be.  

Scott sure was right.  The hopelessness if very close for me.  It takes very little for me to feel disregulated and then be unsure of what to do with those emotions.  Lately I have just been breathing and try to be in the moment, to put the thought of what disregulated me out of my mind and refocus on the present moment.  It has been helping.   

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