Meeting with Scott, 3rd meeting, October 19, 2021

 Notes from my meeting with scott.

I shared about how susie and I are doing.  About the baseball game and how us not going together turned into such a misunderstanding.  (When I questioned why she didn't want to go to the game together but each of up going for half of the game)

I shared about how i acknowledged some self-contempt of my 10 to 12 year-old self.  

He stated that it seems like hopelessness if real close 

My ability to keep hope is related to my capacity to hold unmet desire

Who else sees my unmet desire, (when I was young no one saw it)

Desire can (and needs to) gain resiliency

Can I restore quickly without losing myself???... or Can I hold that desire without losing myself, for example, without giving in becasue I want reconciliation or acknowledgement or approval


When I feel myself getting disregulated I can say, "I'm getting disregulated, it feels like... for example that you (Susie) want some space from me.  This may not be what your mean or are intending.  What do you mean by saying this?  ..or, does you doing this mean anything more than it appears?  

I don't trust her upfront words, the reason is because I have grief... (about exactly what I don't know, our relationship??)

There is a bind when I communicate truth.  My feelings are exposed and that can be perceived as weakness.  However, by communicating truth I'm "invited to a depth of myself."???  There's an integrity that I express by speaking my truth.  

As I communicate truth, I have to learn to be ok with the joy that may come from it but also from the sorrow that can also come from communicating my truth.  Speaking my truth is a scary, risky thing to do.  

I need to realize that grief is different than despair.  

I said it seems inevitable that Simon is going to be exposed to porn.  

What is inevitable is that Simon will be exposed and likely to be pressured to see porn.  But what is NOT inenevitable  is my silence about him being exposed to it.  

Next session, bring my story of being caught by Mr. Murry.  

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