Seeing Susie, 2nd attempt
Susie, I know I don't see you well. And I know I'm seeing you less clearly as I feel we are drifting further and further apart. This feels like a feeble attempt to reach out to you but I don't know what else to do to try to reach you while not pushing you further away.
I see you lying next to me. Tears are welling up. A sense of resolve to be strong in a hurtful moment is felt. My rejection of you is disappointing, but my rejection won't define who you are. You understand that marriage can be challenging and, though you're feeling hurt at that moment, you know that you're strong enough to handle the moment and not let the disappointment overwhelm you. You find comfort in knowing that you are strong and rest in this space of strength. You fall asleep knowing that marriage is challenging and this one moment doesn't define your marriage or define you. Do I see you at all?
I sit on a bench outside of the operating room on the hospital delivery floor. Tears and rolling down but I push down the tears because I know you are in the operating room preparing to deliver our baby girl. I will be back in the room with you in a moment so I wait to be called back inside to be with you and watch her be delivered. Ruthie is born and there is concern and questions arising in the room. You ask the doctors to explain what is going on. You are not getting the information you want. You wonder what is wrong with her, but mostly you wonder if she is going to live or die. You are seeking out who will explain what is happening, and you're worried that she may not make it. You want to see her but cannot see what is going on from where you are lying. She is clearly sick and you wonder if you are going to be able to see her and hold her just once in case she dies in the next few moments. They explain that there are problems and that she will need extra support. You begin to gain confidence that she is going to make it, at least for now. And you long to hold your newborn baby girl, but you have to deal with the disappointment of her being rushed off to get the care she needs to keep her alive. There is confusion, frustration, and worry instead of the peace and joy that you hoped for when she enters her new world.
I see you walking down the stairs wearing a fun new look to get ready to spend a few hours with your friends. You notice my disregulated expression and you don't know exactly what I think, but it is bothersome and frustrating for you that I'm not happy for you. When I comment about how you look and that you may have bad intentions your confusion turns to anger toward me. However, you are still excited about a chance to hang out with friends and have fun together. You look forward to laughing with them and relaxing for a few hours before returning to the busyness of parenting and going back to a demanding job at the hospital. You feel frustrated and resentful toward me, but for this night you can just let loose for a little while, and that's a great feeling.
I see you sharing with me about Steve. I see you processing through and explaining to me the ways that the family dynamic has been hurtful to you. How, though Angela hurt him when he was young, he also hurt you, and as grown ups too. How your family takes his side because of the guilt they feel over the way Angela treated him. I hear you saying that he has played the victim. Yet in reality the family has gone out of their way to try to include him. How he doesn't appreciate being asked if Ruidoso would be a good place for the family vacation. What kind of foods they would like to eat at the holidays. Or putting up with his rude comments and behavior toward the family in Texarkana. I hear you expressing frustration over how your parents have always defended Steve. A perfect example being the indecent text he sent on Christmas morning saying you ignored his kids and your parents said nothing even though they were right there. How Mike reached out to you and asked what was wrong yet your parents didn't say a thing. How your parents have been absent from any attempt to recognize and resolve the conflict and point out Steve's inappropriate behavior. I see you answering my challenging questions in a calm and reasonable way that is reflective and honest. Explaining how you haven't given Steve the silent treatment because you don't want to seek control, but have chosen no contact because of the way the relationship feels toxic to you. Now I see you standing in front of microwave saying how this is true of your relationship with your mom. How how your parent don't reach out to you unless you reach out to them and that shows you how it's a one way relationship where you are the one who always gives. You say how in regards to your relationship with your parents that ship has sailed. And you see me react to that and abruptly end the conversation. You see how that hurts me but you know that is not your responsibility to regulate my emotions and you feel disappointed once again that your attempt to work out your feelings and thoughts is turned into something that isn't about you but is about me. And so this dynamic that you so want to not have to deal with shows up once again in our relationship. And you are convinced once again that your approach to our relationship of no contact, or something close to that, is the appropriate way to relate to me. And so you lean into those things in your life that are making you feel whole, your relationship with God, your friendships, your activities, and your commitment and love for your children. I wonder if I am seeing you.
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