Meeting with Rick on December 6

 Rich suggested that we read through Gentle and Lowly.  I'm not too excited about it but I would be willing to try it.  I told him that I won't be doing the Emotionally Healthy Discipleship group this spring but want to do it in the future.  

We talked about his good day of health yesterday and his changing the oil on his truck and the Toyota dealer.  

We talked about about my basketball season and what it was like when I played basketball.  And when I was captain and how that was a challenge for me as someone who is not a vocal leader.  

We talked about my stepping down from leading the prayer of confession at church and that my emotional ups and downs are too inconsistent to be able to lead that in a way that represents myself and the church well.  

We talked about the ski trip to Durango.  And we talked about Susie.  We talked about how since she's committed to this relationship we're in a kind of a prison that is not how God designed it to be.  I talked about how Ben is wealthy and it makes me hate myself that I can't provide that for myself.  He talked about how he could only give his boys $50 for basketball shoes and that he couldn't compete financially with his friends.  He talked about the dangers of comparing myself with others.  He talked about how is son works with wealthy people and that his son is very impressed with people who have a lot of money.  

We talked about how hope feels like it fleeting for me.  But that even though the ski trip made me jealous and upset that it hasn't been something that is keeping me down.  That it will actually be enjoyable to spend time with Esther and Mihika and will be a nice break to have that time away from Susie. 

That she has no interest in any kind of a relationship with me but that even if I was the perfect man right now should wouldn't want a relationship with me.  That she has a lot of healing and growing to do.  


I thought about putting together a small booklet that talks about her.  


We talked about how I feel like a failure.  That it is OK to boast in your weakness because Paul did.  But that Rick has a strong dislike of Paul because of the way to openly admitted that he has weaknesses.  

That is when Rick suggested we go through Gentle and Lowly again.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Birthdays aren't all that great these days either

 Man, what a depressed selfish boy I sound like.   I'm feeling all this self pity on my birthday.   I think what really set me off was Susie getting upset with me because Esther wasn't ready as early as she wanted.  It felt like intentional messing up my birthday.  That really frustrated me.   I have some important people to me in my life, and their birthday wishes meant a lot, but I still feel alone.  I still feel like I'm on my own.   Last year the Superbowl was on my birthday and it was one of my very best birthdays.  This year I had to teach on the day after my birthday and I was one of the worst I can remember.   This week especially sucks because Valentines Day is coming too.  That really sucks because it used to be such a special, fun time for me, and I thought it was for Susie too.  But maybe I was fooling myself all the while.  It's hard to believe that is that case, but I think it's true....
Read more

Jr. High Bullying

 In the 8th grade I was bullied by Cory.  I can't remember the kids last name.  I would stand there at my locker and he would shove my back and I would bump into my locker.   It seems like the first time he did it it was an act of endurement.  Like playing around with one of your buddies.  But after a few times it got old.  He would look back at me with his hair flip in his blonde hair, seemingly to make sure that I knew it was him that pushed me.  It went from enduring, to annoying, to bullying, to daily trauma.  I set up a punching bag in my basement.  I found some martial arts magazines and started to practice some moves.  I grew a fear of confronting him.   I tried to just hope away the problem but it wouldn't go away.  I grew more and more weary of him doing this to me and I tried to come up with a scheme to get him to stop doing it.  Often there was an administrator at the end of the hallway watching o...
Read more

Trip to Gerald - May 26 to June 3, 2021

Wed, May 26         heyooooooooooo Abq to Tucumcari 2:40, 186 mi to Amarillo 1:41, 113 mi to Sayre 1:57, 132 mi to OKC 1:54, 129 mi to McD 2:25, 167 mi to Spfd 2:05, 132 mi to Gerald 2:34 163 arrived! We left at 6:03 am, almost on time. Elijah wanted to make oatmeal before leaving. The driving was very smooth and easy. Elijah commented about the time going by quickly. And it did. Compared to the trip in Nov. 2020, the van made much better time. We averaged about 80, the scion averaged about 70! Elijah and I listened to Rachel Held Evans. He was diggin' it. It gave him a story to relate to. Though I don't think it strengthened his Christian faith. But, overall I think it was good thing for him to hear. We talked less than I would have liked, but we did talk some. I was able to speak to him about the value of putting yourself in a position to make money if there comes a time that you need or want to. That he should pursue writing, but that this is a good ti...
Read more