December 13 meeting with Rick

Wasn't looking forward to the meeting with Rick that much, but it turned out to be quite good.  

He began telling me about taking his kids out on Tuesday afternoons.  He was also telling me about his two sons, one who is a personal trainer and the other who is a dietitian and runs a business.   

We parked at the usual spot and Rick prayed for us and then asked how the week has been.  I told him it's hard to continue to pursue emotional health because it's emotionally draining.  

I told him how I hiked this Sunday and walked at my own pace.  It reminded me of when I first got to Albuquerque before we were married.  Susie and I went on a bike ride and I couldn't keep up with her.  It was windy and cold and she just kept going and going further ahead of me and my ears were killing me.  I felt like going back to the house and driving right back to St. Louis.  That I had made a huge mistake leaving.  Rich asked if maybe she comes from a competitive house and that I don't.  I wondered if that was something that Susie was attracted to in me.  That competition wasn't something that I was burdened by.  Yet in the long run I did feel competitive and I tried to demean her as a way to compete with her.  

He said that this may be related to my feeling of self contempt.  That I need to understand that God is for me.  

He told me about the time on his honeymoon when he saw an attractive woman and lusted for her.  He said that he thought marriage would put that struggle to bed but it didn't.  

He said that he and Vicky have a dynamic where she likes to be in charge and he likes to avoid being in charge.  So when she takes charge he likes the feeling of releasing responsibility but disdains the feeling that Vicky is in control and he is not.  

I told him that I heard that friendships can be an intimate relationship.  He said that early in the country's history men had very close friendships.  Friendships we wouldn't hardly recognize today.  

He said that Eugene Peterson was asked for one piece of advice for pastors and his advice was to be yourself and don't try to be anything other than yourself.  Rick suggested that I have been trying to be something I am not and it has been unattractive to Susie.  


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