Seeing Susie

 Susie, I wonder if I see you.  

I see you walking the sidewalk at SBU looking for that red bike.  You're excited to walk across campus in conversation with me.  To tell me about the latest things happening with your roommates, or the soccer team, or about your family.  I see you in that heavy, well fitting yellow coat.  Curly hair draped all across the back.  Brown dress shoes.  Wearing fruit smelling lotion that has a strong and nice fragrance.  ... Do I see you well?  


I see you lying next to me in bed.  Newlyweds.  Just a few months married.  My back is turned to you.  You are crying over my rejection to your attempt to show me your affection.  You lie confused and with regrets over this situation you are now in.  You long to be held but your husband doesn't respond to your sadness.  You lie awake.  Wanting to be held and loved well.  Wanting to know that things will be fine but feeling like everything is wrong.  Do I see you?  


I see you through a hospital door.  An operating room on the hospital delivery floor.  There are doctors and nurses around, but you feel alone and confused.  You need someone to be strong and explain to you what is going on.  You feel frustrated and scared.  You are disappointed that your delivery has not gone as you planned and feeling both fear and disappointment in yourself for how it is going.  Thoughts are racing through your mind as to why things have gone the way it has.  And you want someone next to you who can comfort you completely.  But that person is not there.  Do I see you?


I see you sweating on a hot summer night with no air conditioning in the house.  Working men are busy in the back yard.  The heat and the closeness of the men have made you desiring and wet.  Your fantasies are aroused.  You lose yourself and allow yourself to fully enjoy the feelings and intensity of the moment.  You have a release of freedom and arousal that you enjoy immensely.  Do I see you?  


I see you walking down the stairs feeling like an attractive woman who could be desired by any man or girlfriend.  You feel special and you are excited to enjoy the freedom that is before you for the next several hours.  You are confident that you are desired.  The closeness to your friends gives you a feeling of acceptance and enjoyment that you have not felt in a while.  You are feeling strong and independent.  Do I see you?  


I see you sitting in a room in thought.  You feel the love and acceptance of God and you want to feel that way forever.  You see the love of God and feel the closeness of Jesus in a new way and you're excited to share that with others.  You feel a call to be a light to the world no matter what it costs you.  You know that others share your desire for God and that you are part of the most important thing in the world.  You feel like there is nothing that will keep you from the life that He is calling you to.  Do I see you?  


I see you laying with a newborn girl next to you.  You feel strong and proud of how you orchestrated her coming into this world.  You feel a renewed connection to Ruthie.  You are determined to show this little girl complete love and give her a purpose that will make her have a strength that cannot be shaken by anything.  You are at peace in that moment lying with her.  You know there is work to be done, but you take this moment to enjoy the sweetness of lying together with your daughter.  Do I see you at all?  

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