Crying over Hard Work

 I don't enjoy this journaling exercise any more.  It seems to just bring up more ways I feel shame and have so many damn shortcomings.  It's not making my life any better.  I just keep living the same damn depressing life I have always lived.  But some part of me is convinced that it's what I'm supposed to do so here I go again.

Tomorrow I'm going hiking and I'm looking forward to it.  I'm going to go on the La Luz.  I'm planning on taking my time and making it a good way up the mountain, if not all the way.  My back if feeling tight so I have doubts whether or not I'll make it as far as I would like to.  But I'm feeling more familiar with the trail so i'm looking forward to testing my knowledge of it.  I'm going to put my phone on battery save mode and see if it will last longer this time.  

Today I want to reflect on an experience that I have thought about quite a few times.  I was living in New Haven, so around 8 or 9 or so.  I was sitting in my bedroom, on my bed and my mom was talking to me.  I was crying because I was supposed to do my lawn cutting job and I didn't want to.  I was telling my mom I didn't want to do it and she was trying to convince me to go do it.  I don't remember if I ended up doing it or not.  But I do remember doing it throughout the summer, so I must have done it after this little incident. 

What I remember is feeling a sense that I should not be resisting this obligation because it was weak to not just go do the job.  But I didn't want to, so I was also feeling a  desire to get out of doing it just because I didn't want to.  This feeling of both emotions at the same time is what I remember about the incident.  I was crying about doing it and at the same time I knew it was something that I should just suck it up and go and  do.  It was a feeling of shame for allowing myself to think this job was worse than it  actually was but also a feeling of trying to stick up for what I wanted and that I wasn't entitled to this but I wanted to voice my preference anyway, even though I realized I was going to end of doing the job.  

It not feels a bit like a strange memory, but it's certainly a vivid one and work reflecting on further.  

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