November 2, 2024. 23rd Anniversary

 There are children, but there is no marriage.  

Susie didn't bring up our anniversary with me once.  I didn't bring it up with her.  

I bought flowers.  And a sign that says Grateful.  

I am grateful.  But I'm mostly sad.  Tomorrow is a sad day for me.  My plan is to get out of the house early and stay away from the house for a  long time.  Which I will.

Being rejected by Susie is painful.  But I think being rejected by Simon and Esther would be utterly devastating.  

If I move to another house I wonder if they would ever want to see me.  

Maybe they wouldn't.  But maybe I have to be OK with that in order for me to move on and have a full life again.  I don't right now.  I have a life.  But my life is lacking.  I have a full life, most of the time, but there is darkness and loneliness at the fringes.  Loneliness that drags me down.  I try to fight it but I don't always win.  

It certainly seems my marriage is over.  It was over before we hit 20 years.

I remember sitting at the rental lodge when we were at the cabin at Yellowstone.  She had that empty eye, shallow look as we talked.  I should have known something was wrong.  When she woke up early and I wondered where she was.  I knew something was wrong.  When we were in the lobby of the hotel and she gazed at the group of guys hanging out, I knew that something was wrong.  And when I couldn't fall asleep in the room next to hers for fear that she was going out with the guys from the lobby, I knew something was very wrong.

So, when the end of the summer came and the Story work retreat thing happened, I knew that the fuse had been burning for some time, but it didn't seem to make the bomb any less explosive.  

So, here I am three years after my so called 5-year plan and the plan is not looking very good.  It's looking more like I should come up with a different plan.  

So, do I venture out on my own or do I navigate this plan together with Susie?  Do I say, I would like to navigate this together, or do I say I need to make a plan for what my life is going to look like in this new situation in which we are moving.  It's a decision to make.  Maybe we can come up with a plan over these final two year of my 5-year plan that I envisioned when this all began.  

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